Tuesday, September 9, 2008

September with a Side of Angina: Your Weekly Mets Update

Ladies and gentlemen, it may have taken forty years to develop, but there appears to finally be a genuine rivalry between the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Mets. The good news is that despite this past weekend’s disappointing 1-2 performance against the Phillies, the Mets are two games up in the NL East standings. Now it’s time for fans of both teams to return home, wash up (just this once we’ll be gracious and allow the possibility, however remote, that Phillies fans bathe themselves) and gear up for nineteen games of rock ‘em sock ‘em baseball. Obviously, which baseball club makes the playoffs all comes down to which team is better equipped to beat up on its national league brethren. So let’s take a peek at the adversaries the Mets and Cubs will be playing for the remainder of the season, shall we?

Marlins. Hello, suicide hotline? You just got back from a baseball game attended by 600 people? Last night was “Balance your Checkbook Night” at the stadium? Your team’s wildcard hopes are dwindling more rapidly than the manatee population? You’re hitting yourself for not jumping on the Rays bandwagon? Hey, you’re not a Marlins fan, are you? Yeah, we’ve got another special hotline set up for you guys. I’ll transfer you, operators are standing by.

Nationals. Poor Manny Acta, imagine the intestinal fortitude it takes to coach a last place team comprised of Lastings Milledge, Elijah Dukes, Dmitri Young, Ronnie Belliard, and Christian Guzman. Frankly, we’re shocked that Acta hasn’t clambered up a bell tower with a rifle and a list of names yet. Enjoy ‘Midge, you foolish Nats fans, we’re doing just fine with our good friend Ryan Church, thank you very much. By the way, if we were to hop in a Delorean and travel back to December of 2007 and tell you that Ryan Church would be a star player on the Mets and Aaron Heilman would be getting booed off the field, you’d tell us we were out of our minds, right?

Brewers.
Is there an angrier and more determined man in all of baseball than C.C. Sabathia? We’re guessing no. If the Brewers were smart, they’d harness it and have him pitch every damned game, but no… For the record, Rickey totally hates this team. First they go and rob the Mets of a wild card shot, and then they insist on having those insipid sausage races at the bottom of the sixth inning at every game in Milwaukee. Mark out words, something very unsavory is going on with those sausage mascots. We can’t put our finger on it, but when news breaks of Brett Wurst and Frankie Furter lathering each other up with condiments in an airport bathroom, don’t be too surprised.Braves. Whenever you hear your self complaining about the Mets health woes, consider this injury plagued lineup: John Smoltz (shoulder injury), Mike Hampton (is alive?) Jair Jurrjens (away helping Bilbo find the ring) Tom Glavine (stricken by the Almighty’s righteous retribution). We’d check in on a Bravos blog to see what it sounds like when Braves cry, but the city of Atlanta isn’t nearly cool enough for Rickey to be familiar with its blogs. Sorry.

Cubs. And in other news, the Cubs continue their gutsy quest for baseball immortality as… oh no wait, we take it back, shit’s completely falling apart out there in Chicago. We’re not sure what’s funnier: getting beaten by the Reds, or Lou Pinella getting completely lost on the way to Cincinnati. Either way, Rickey is now eagerly looking forward to his 9/23 Mets tickets against the Cubbies.

And now, a word on the Billy Wagner debacle… Just as Yankee fans have the wonderfully effeminate and unreliable Alex Rodriguez to gripe about, Mets fans have had the distinct displeasure of getting to know one Billy Wagner over the past several years. For the last few weeks, we’ve watched as Billy Wagner has thrown countless simulated games, and in turn, we’ve been forced to simulate our hope that the schmuck might actually get healthy again. But no more. Now that the news is pretty much definitive that he won't be returning in 2008 he's out for an entire calendar year, Rickey feels that the time has come to throw this bum where he belongs: under the bus. For too long we’ve been forced to bear witness as Wagner repeatedly decided that there just wasn’t quite enough drama transpiring in the Mets organization, both on and off the field. Much like some ornery southern critter, the man hops from hot spot to hot spot, spreading problems wherever he goes: slamming his teammates in the press, inexplicably praising the talented bullpen wizard that is Aaron Heilman, or flat out losing games altogether.

Moreover, have you seen images of Wagner recently? The man's in slightly better physical condition than John McCain (who in turn is in slightly better physical condition than William Taft was is). The guy is one of the highest paid closers in the game and he can't stay in shape? Most of all, we’re downright elated that we will no longer held hostage by our crippling fear of Billy Wagner blowing games at the most inopportune times imaginable. We have absolute confidence that the remaining members of the Mets bullpen will step up to fill that role nicely. We are assured of this.

And to wrap things up, Rickey would like to announce that it is finally safe to begin earnestly complimenting the baseball playing abilities of Carlos Delgado. The man could go into a horrific slump right now and you’d still have to give him credit for helping to carry the team for the bulk of the summer months. We find ourselves in the unbelievable position of having to tip our caps to a man whose grave we’d happily shoveled dirt over earlier in the season. Well done, Mr. Delgado. That having been said, Rickey still does not agree with the idea of him returning in 2009. Enjoy your day everybody, Rickey’s off to Shea this evening for the Mets/Nationals matchup.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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7 comments:

George said...

Were the Brewer Sausages on that food meme list?

Plus this is cool as I'm writing a comment in the future as its already Tuesday on your blog but still Monday night in CA.

Mike said...

No Delgado in 2009. NO!

Rickey Henderson said...

If the Mark Texiera sweepstakes fall through, would you put it past Omar?

Jeffrey Ellis said...

Heh, in all fairness to Lou Pinella, the Reds do play in a different stadium now than the one Sweet Lou remembers.

sinisterdan said...

This almost makes me want to care about baseball.

Almost.

The Hypocritical One said...

It pains me to say that I think this is the year of the Cubs.

The AL and NL east races are great this year.

muskrat said...

You're right about the Braves. Not worth trying to find their blogs.