Thursday, September 25, 2008

Rickey Presents: Sarah Palin's New York City Itinerary

“Sarah Palin got schooled by world leaders Tuesday and quickly proved adept at the first rule of diplomacy - avoid saying anything of substance in public. The Republican veep hopeful and her 10-car motorcade snaked through Manhattan for tete-a-tetes with Presidents Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan and Alvaro Uribe of Colombia and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.” –NY Daily News, 9/23/08

Rickey recently spoke with Sarah Palin’s handlers who, in an act of unprecedented transparency, forwarded us the itinerary for her NYC visit. It is written in glitter on an American flag. Here now, is the full transcription:

7AM: Arrive at JFK Airport. Get to the bottom of how Jesus controls this airline flight traffic pattern thing.

7:30AM: Cab to hotel. Why aren’t there snow chains on the tires?

8AM: Drop off Todd and Levi at ESPN Sports Zone.

9AM: Visit New York Public Library. Politely inform library director that after inauguration, all copies of “Leaves of Grass” will be replaced with back issues of “Guns & Ammo.”

10AM: Meet with Bono. Golly, I can’t believe I’m getting a chance to talk to the King of Ireland!

11AM: Locate Naked Cowboy in Times Square and have him shipped off to Gitmo.

11:30AM: Go to St. Patrick’s. Bring camera crew. Pray. Loudly.

12PM: Lunch at Katz’s Deli. What’s a knish?

12:30PM: Sit outside PS 151. Taunt Darwinist high school biology teachers. Get a real job you elitist bums!

1PM: Meet with George Steinbrenner at Yankees Stadium. Inform him that his political donation checks made out to “porridge!” keep bouncing.

1:30PM: Find gun store. Inquire as to possibility of getting .50 caliber assault rifle by the end of the day in order to hunt caribou in Central Park. Stamp feet angrily when denied.

2PM: Find the building that FOX News Studio is in and try to get on camera. Always wanted to be on camera in background of FOX & Friends!

2:30PM: Go to top of Empire State Building. I can see Joe Lieberman’s house from here!

3PM: Hunt elusive black squirrel on Central Park with bare hands. Pounce upon squirrel and bite down until movement ceases.

3:30PM: Visit Madame Tussaud’s. Wonder why wax representation of John McCain looks more lifelike than actual John McCain.

4PM: Check out Natural History Museum. Lodge complaint over notable lack of exhibits featuring cavemen riding dinosaurs.

4:30PM: Swing by the Strand Bookstore. Pick up copy of “Dummies Guide to the White House.”

5PM: Hop on NYC subway. Attack subway musician for not being able to perform “Let the Eagle Soar” on demand. Have nice trophy photo taken with body of subway musician.

5:30PM: Pick up Todd and Levi from Scores.

6PM: Dinner and drinks at Delmonico’s. Enjoy cocktail of one part strawberry liqueur and one part light sweet crude oil.

8PM: Write down events of day in journal and forward to RNC for censors to edit approval.

10PM: Sleep. Dream of Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Update] Today, the sun shines brightly upon Rickey thanks to some sweet, precious linkage courtesy of the NY Times. It’s a relatively skinny news day indeed when an RwR blog post qualifies as “All the news that’s fit to print,” but nonetheless, welcome to Rickey’s playground of fierce irreverence, dear City Room readers. We sincerely hope Rickey’s writing meets and exceeds your daily recommended dose of liberal media frivolity.

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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40 comments:

Jeffrey Ellis said...

Nicely done. She already looks like a librarian, so I bet she could get away with "resorting" their collection to hide all the evolution textbooks too.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

LOL!

Just watched her interview with Katie Couric and it's funny/scary. Mostly scary.

The Nemesing One said...

Awesome post, but remember TNO is voting with his dick this year and Obama/Biden just aren't do'n it for my jimmy like McCain/Palin (think McCain in old schoolboy uniform eating large sucker and Palin in catholic school girl uniform and you'll know what I'm talking about !!! )

Joel B. said...

I wonder if Sarah Palin can get a clutch base hit...




...sorry, that was low.

Toasty Joe said...

Re: 3pm, why doesn't she pick off that squirrel from a chopper with a high-powered rifle? That's the sporting way to do it.

George said...

You forgot her limo ride on the Verrazano Narrows, which she dubs "the bridge to two nowheres."

Toasty Joe said...

By the bye, can Rickey seen the video of her interview with Katie Couric? Look on youtube. Sweet merciful christ on a crutch.

Toasty Joe said...

can=has

Adam said...

Oh Rickey, I salute you some of the most original Palin-material I've seen so far. Awesome stuff.

Rickey Henderson said...

Cheers folks. By the way, this post just landed RwR in the NY Times. Link

Congratulations, exhalations, and exclamations of "but your photoshopping skills are atrocious!" should be left below.

John Peterson said...

Blah, blah, blah. Talk all you want, Commie.

Go McPalin!

John Peterson said...

Joe Biden lectured us on the need for our leaders to be informed (alluding to the liberal trope that Palin is a stupid, ignorant hick) and then in the very next paragraph he talked about how when the Great Depression hit FDR got on the TV and explained it to people and that we need leadership like that, blah, blah, blah. Except Hoover was the president when the Depression hit and... there was no TV.

I love in the Couric interview that Katie Couric tried to get Palin to give examples of McCain being in favor of regulation, which she couldn't. But Couric, who basically said that McCain is a hardline deregulator (laughable), is even more ignorant. See Baseball Crank (a blog on baseball and politics; he's a Mets fan):

Now as it happens, if you do your homework on this, it's not hard to find such examples; McCain voted for Sarbanes-Oxley, and voted against the 1995 Private Securities Litigation Reform Act (one of only four Republicans to do so) and the 1998 Securities Litigation Uniform Standards Act (which passed 79-21), for example, and joined with Carl Levin to propose that if companies "don't account for their stock options as a cost in earnings reports, then they cannot claim them later as tax deductions." Of course, I can tell you those things because I'm a securities lawyer and I have access to Google; I'm not sure McCain would have all those examples at his fingertips offhand, much less Palin (indeed, I often find that people even in my business are surprised to hear that he voted against the PSLRA, and obviously Couric couldn't find them or she wouldn't have falsely stated as fact that McCain "almost always sided with the, less regulation, not more"). In that context, it's not much of a "gotcha" moment to demonstrate that Palin doesn't know chapter and verse on one of the more arcane corners of McCain's lengthy career.

But you know, keep on with the Quayle-ification of Palin. It's amusing.

Adam said...

john peterson-- I'm about as moderate as they come, and I gotta tell ya, the Quayle-ification of Palin is deserved. Not because she's a dummy or a terrible person, but because she is not ready for prime-time. Her two most substantive interviews reveal this to be the case. I gave her a shot as a candidate to prove herself. Yes, she represents the common person, and she has a good personality, but other than saying "maverick" 1,000 times an hour, there's not much else there to be proud of. Sorry.

Rickey Henderson said...

John: as an apparent GOP supporter, you honestly mean to tell Rickey that you're comfortable with Sarah Palin as a candidate? That better options weren't out there for McCain? If you're supporting her out of a distain for liberals that's one thing, but if you actually believe that Sarah Palin is qualified to lead, then you're crazier than a junebug in May.

Not only is she completely uneducated, even worse, she's absolutely oblivious to just how incredibly uneducated she is. And even worse, she's arrogant. It wasn't how incredibly ignorant her "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you" line was that bugged Rickey. It was her patronizing delivery of it. Like she was talking to a four year old. Disgusting.

Bob said...

John Peterson-

Nice job shooting the messenger. I am no fan of Katie Couric, but her questions where sound and straightforward. God forbid your candidate answer a couple simple questions to prove she is capable of putting a sentence together.

As far as Biden talking about FDR being TV - it's call a slip of the tongue douche bag. I am sure if you pick up a history book, you can read all about FDR's fireside chats broadcast over the radio. during another horrible economic period of our History.

Rickey – Nice shout out in the NY Times!

Rickey Henderson said...

Furthermore, why even attempt to point out Biden's tv/radio gaffe when John McCain is just discovering the interwebs?

A small historical error pales in comparison to being totally unfamiliar with the greatest social, economic, and technological innovation in the past 25 years, wouldn't you say?

Rickey Henderson said...

Oh and Bob, many thanks. Rickey figures that linking to this post is the least the NY Times could do after they willingly published that editorial written by Sarah Palin arguing that the polar bear menace must be subjugated by Jesus the ANWR Driller.

M.G. Helm IV said...

Ugh...I got stuck in their traffic in NY, which made me miss my flight. I had to stay an extra day at the JFK Sheridan, what a shit hole.

Toasty Joe said...

One might also point out that calling Rickey a "Commie" is a great way to deflate one's credibility.

John Peterson said...

It's called a joke, dummies.

And are you sure you're comfortable with Barack as your prez?

John Peterson said...

Pretty much everything everyone is saying here is wrong. First of all, in this paragraph:

John: as an apparent GOP supporter, you honestly mean to tell Rickey that you're comfortable with Sarah Palin as a candidate? That better options weren't out there for McCain? If you're supporting her out of a distain for liberals that's one thing, but if you actually believe that Sarah Palin is qualified to lead, then you're crazier than a junebug in May.

I could replace every Palin reference to Barack and make the same point. And he's running for President.

you can read all about FDR's fireside chats broadcast over the radio. during another horrible economic period of our History.

That he prolonged with his idiotic progressive programs. What made the Great Depression great? The New Deal. Everyone knows this.

Furthermore, why even attempt to point out Biden's tv/radio gaffe when John McCain is just discovering the interwebs?

This is nonsense. In fact, McCain was called the "savviest Senator" and he has been involved in many technology debates and is informed about these topics. But go ahead, believe what they tell you on The Daily Show. Look, I don't even like McCain. He really bothers me, as a conservative. But remember when he want on the afformentioned Daily Show? Remember how cool and hip the media thought he was? Maybe y'all are too young to remember the year 2000. Well things have changed since McCain started running against The One.

One might also point out that calling Rickey a "Commie" is a great way to deflate one's credibility.

Die in a fire. I have plenty of credibility. What, my opinions don't mean anything anymore because I'm not a cookie-cutter liberal who believes every little liberal narrative that comes along, like that Sarah Palin is an unsophisticated country bumpkin?

It's called thinking for oneself. Try it sometime.

John Peterson said...

Also, I have been a fan of Palin since she started challenging Murkowski for Alaska GOP. I was rooting for McCain (whom, again, I don't really like) to pick her, though I didn't think he would.

She's a socially conservative libertarian, like me. So I am a fan. All this crap about how she's a dump Jesus freak is just that-- crap.

It's a firewall strawman that enables the Democratic zeitgeist to completely slander Palin in the worst way possible. I mean, she wants to start a Holy War, for God's sake! She must be stopped!

Rickey Henderson said...

One might also point out that calling Rickey a "Commie" is a great way to deflate one's credibility.

Rickey attended a few meetings once or twice, but that was it, Rickey swears! They said it was a harmless gathering of dockworkers!

Rickey has very few rules on his blog John, but one of them is never to tell his commentators to "die in a fire." Take it easy chief. Can we perhaps focus this negativity on a more deserving subject? The Mets perhaps?

George said...

Maybe y'all are too young to remember the year 2000.

Or maybe McCain's too old to remember 2000? He certainly doesn't hold many of the positions he held then.

John Peterson said...

Someone called me a douchebag! That's a much worse fate than dying in a fire!

Jeff said...

Congratulations Rickey! Just when I was thinking that this post deserved much more credit than your standard blog circle could provide, I saw your update about the Times. This is an outstanding piece of work!

Adam said...

john peterson-

You are a maverick!

John Peterson said...

It ain't easy being an evil ReTHUGlican.

muskrat said...

congrats on the props, rickey!

i didn't realize muskrats could tear up...until now.

Anonymous said...

"Die in a fire."

You'd know about that, being a flamer and all.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Sooo, John - how are those two Bush votes workin' out for ya?

Just askin' ?

Rickey Henderson said...

Fuck politics, Rickey's Mets just got redemption!

Chris C said...

Great post! I bow to you fine sir! Damn what a great idea.

Congrats for getting linked from the NYT. Man you know you've written a liberal-slanted blog post if they pick it up. hehe.

As for Biden's gaffe, everyone makes mistakes. Bush senior called a day in september Pearl Harbor Day. McCain got his terrorists confused.

Still, you can't make those mistakes in a national election. You are just giving the other side softballs to hit out of the park. You can't give the other side a chance to call you stupid.

As a political humor columnist, I relish those mistakes though :)

Pam said...

LOL! Nicely done Rickey. Too damn funny.

Alex L said...

'3PM: Hunt elusive black squirrel on Central Park with bare hands. Pounce upon squirrel and bite down until movement ceases.'

So thats what I'm doing wrong, release it after its dead...

Congrats on being linkified

Mike said...

Congrats on the link. That's great.

And deserved, cause this was an excellent post.

Bob said...

In an attempt to raise the level of discourse, I apologize for the douche bag comment. I wouldn’t have posted that on my blog, and I shouldn’t have posted it on Rickey’s.

Now back to slamming Palin for her ineptitude:

Compare Obama’s experience to Palin all you want, but we have had 18 months or so to probe Obama's record and positions, but Palin is hiding from hers. When you, as a candidate, create a media vacuum, they will go after your ass. This is McCain's and Palin's own fault. If she had the guts and ability to answer even some of the weakest questions, the media wouldn’t be questioning her abilities.

I cannot believe you can watch an interview with her and get any sense that she is a capable or knowledgeable leader.

John Peterson said...

No, I don't. "I'll try to find ya some and get back to ya" was painful. Still, she's running for VP. Big deal. Why can't we have an outsider as VP? Any criticism of Palin reflects poorly on uhh... uhh... uhh... Obama, since he can fairly be criticized in a lot of the same ways, except he's running for President.

Whatever. Sorry I said "die in a fire."

colbymarshall said...

Ugh...Palin, Palin, Palin...ugh, ugh, ugh. We should all be afraid.

unclesmrgol said...

You forgot her limo ride on the Verrazano Narrows, which she dubs "the bridge to two nowheres."
September 25, 2008 12:37 PM

Actually, The Bridge to Two Nowheres is, according to CNN, the Indian Island Inlet Bridge, which connects two small vacation towns (Dewey Beach and Bethany Beach) in Delaware. It's a key piece of pork in Biden's barrel.

Both Biden and Obama voted twice in favor of the Bridge to Nowhere, including a vote against redirecting funds from the Bridge to New Orleans in the wake of Katrina. At least Palin saw the light and knocked it down, but these Senators do have their prerogatives, including what one can truly say are the Bridges to Three Nowheres.