Thursday, September 4, 2008

Rickey Presents: The Republican National Convention Drinking Game

For a while, Rickey has pondered a way to make the Republican Convention slightly more bearable to watch. Ever a fan of games, Rickey toyed with the notion of a Ronald Reagan memory game, or perhaps even a Larry Craig themed game of Men’s Bathroom Twister, but in the end, we realized that the only tolerable way to watch the kabuki theatre that typifies a political convention is with the aid of a drinking game. Indeed, Rickey will see your “Maverick” and raise you a ”POW” because behold, its…

The Republican National Convention Drinking Game!

The rules: you take a sip of a frosty adult beverage when any of the following criteria listed below are met. Need help picking out a brew? Go check in with these guys, they know a helluva lot more about beer than we do (assuming he ever did them, Rickey’s beer reviews would consist of one sentence: “mmmmm, tastes like beer”). Anyhow, proceeding onwards to the game, you will take a sip…

1) Every time there is a pregnant pause in Sarah Palin’s speech. (zing!)

2) Every time the camera focuses in on an aged GOP delegate wearing a cowboy hat and you, sitting in your living room, suddenly feel twenty years younger.

3) Every time Bush Senior is awakened from his peaceful nap by the applause of the crowd, exclaims damnit Levi, why couldn’t you just pull out like I pulled the hell out of Iraq?!” and them promptly dozes off again.

4) Every time a CNN commentator uses the phrases “finger on the button,” “hockey mom,” or “one heartbeat away from the Presidency.”

5) Every time John McCain looks out into the audience and utters the phrase “My Friends,” despite the fact that 95% of the delegates at the convention bought the 2000 Bush smear campaign against McCain hook, line, and sinker.

6) Every time the camera focuses on Cindy McCain who appears to be playing her own “Stepford Wife Percocet Self Medicating Game” in the stands.

7) Every time the appearance of Wolf Blitzer on your television reminds you how much of a total waste of an awesome name this guy is.

8) Every time Sarah Palin uses the phrase “the Sanctity of Human Life” and the camera pans to a war Vet fresh back from Iraq who’s missing an appendage or two.

9) Every time Fox News cuts to a commercial for the Rudy Giuliani 9/11 Bobblehead Doll.

10) Every time Chris Matthews mentions Winston Churchill and/or interrupts a guest to inform them—for absolutely no reason—that he is Catholic.

11) Every time prayer is invoked. (This one is for the seasoned drinker only. Unless alcohol poisoning is your bag, Rickey recommends skipping over it. They love their ostentatious displays of piety at the GOP convention).

12) Every time the name Reagan is used. (Give someone your car keys, take two Tylenols before you start, because will not be able to walk by the end of the night). If you’re looking to tailor this one a bit, Rickey advises you to do it this way: take one drink anytime anyone invokes Ronald Reagan, two drinks if they compare themselves to Reagan and three drinks if they declare that Reagan spoke to them in a dream.

[update] In the interests of full disclosure, Rickey wrote this post prior to last night's speeches. We joke around here a lot at RwR, but what Rickey watched on television last night was an absolute atrocity, top to bottom. It was a complete repudiation of everything Rickey knows to be right and true in this world and Rickey can honestly say that he's fairly embarrassed to be an American after watching it. Go read Mike's terrific post on the matter, he sums things up accurately and introduces a great new phrase into the political lexicon: "gutter patriotism."

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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24 comments:

Mr Furious said...

Thank God I wasn't doing the drinking game, because I'd be dead!

Unfortunatel I was stone sober and I think Palin just rescued McCain from himself and resuscitated his campaign.

Alex L said...

Regan spoke to me in a dream... well more of a nightmare really.

Rickey Henderson said...

Furious, as much as people will say that Palin galvanized the McCain base, she's also came across as an extremely polarizing figure last night. You know how right wingers would've crawled across broken glass to vote against Hillary? There's the potential for something similar here.

Adam said...

She didn't save the McCain campaign, she stopped the bleeding (and got a few cuts in on Obama along the way).

That being said, it was a gutsy performance. Sorry to bring up the former Indiana Senator again, but Sarah Palin, you're no Dan Quayle. We all would have known about the teleprompter crapping out last night if Quayle was giving that speech. "Ummm, moose burgers... Ben, Jerry, spoon! SPOOON!!"

So, I see it as a comeback performance for her among the base of the party, as well as making an appeal to the one demo that Obama has never solidified- married, white, working-class women. She's not trying for the Left, or the under 34-croed. She's trying to tell the Left "I'm no Eagleton."

Like I said, she stopped the bleeding. She still has to speak on substantive issues. If she fails at that task, this convention speech is a footnote. But I do love that pitbull in lipstick line. Obama needs this kind of stuff.

Rickey Henderson said...

Well she certainly had her fair share of zingers, and they sure were good because they all made Rickey's blood boil. If she expects anyone to take her as anything more than a cheerleader (sorry to be boorish, but it's absolutely true) she's got to start adding substance to her speeches, post haste. The line about Obama's styrofoam columns at the Dem Convention was a good one, but how about using a natural disaster (Hurricane Gustav) as a political prop? Isn't that just a tad more manipulative?

Rickey Henderson said...

PS: Adam, Rickey totally pilfered your point about Wolf Blizter being a waste of a perfectly awesome name. Rickey is profoundly grateful--the royalties check is in the mail.

Toasty Joe said...

Additional drinking game keywords/phrases:

9/11
Extremists
Terrorism
Threats

Bob said...

"...natural disaster (Hurricane Gustav) as a political prop?

Natural distaster as a prop? How about a baby with Down Syndrome and his pregnant sister?

All poliicians drag their kids on stage to a certain extent, but I think they crossed the line.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, judging by McCain's body language on stage last night with the Palin family, you get the feeling that there's absolutely no connection there whatsoever. For him, the Palins aren't a family, they're an accessory.

Deb said...

I'm too write to drunk.....lol.

leigh said...

damn! i picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

RMatlack said...

I played a similar game with bong hits instead, where am I and where the hell are my pants.

Adam said...

Rickey,

I gladly accept your .000423 cents of revenue share from this glorious blog.

I agree there were about 10 more zingers in that speech than what was necessary. Stylistically, it was very aggressive. Politically, it was very effective.

Go Giants!

The Hypocritical One said...

Wolf Blitzer?? Rickey strikes me as an MSNBC guy rather than CNN.

Me likey the way that the CNN commentators pushed the "Cliff Claven-esque" Rep. talking head to the corner of the panel. Every time he spoke, all the other commentators looked at him like he had just farted.

Another high point (on MSNBC) was when Pat Buchanan spoke of liberal media bias. I thought Chris Mathews was passing a stone in response---hair flailing, sweat pouring. Classic.

Smitty said...

Natural distaster as a prop? How about a baby with Down Syndrome and his pregnant sister

One of the most aggregious spectacles of the night.

For him, the Palins aren't a family, they're an accessory

Agreed. For all the "soulmate" bullshit, Palin gets an uncomfortable hug, the baby gets a pat on the head and it becomes clear that the "chemistry" between them resembles a highschool lab class.

David said...

I so wish Rickey would have shared this advice yesterday. It would have made the evening so much more bearable.

She's a slick talker alright but, other than ridiculing the Democrats, she had very little to say.

Fortunately I got to decompress with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert who put the convention in perspective. I can hardly wait until this evening to hear their reviews of Sarah and downs kid getting the spit on his hair.

That kid Levi must feel like he is in Oz.

Ed in Westchester said...

Rickey, only G-D speaks to them in their dreams.

Ed in Westchester said...

Natural distaster as a prop? How about a baby with Down Syndrome and his pregnant sister?


Or how about the image of Lower Manhattan behind Rudy the Ghoul last night? That made me ill. Moreso than the family.

And we all know the spin will be that the Liberal Media kept highlighting the family to remind people of the baby and the pregnancy.

Ed in Westchester said...

Speaking of Reagan, can we bring back the old Land of Confusion video? the one that lampooned Ronny?

Though the cover by Disturbed was quite good as well.

Smitty said...

BTW Rickey, thanks for the beer-nod. We work hard at knowing a lot about beer.

And it's really hard work...

muskrat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
muskrat said...

i'm going to play it safe and stick to sniffing glue this week. and next week. and next.

Mike said...

Thanks for the shout-out Rick, but I can't take credit for "gutter patriotism."

Our good buddy, Georgie Orwell used it at least as early as 1942 when he referred to Kipling as a "gutter patriot." Then he used the phrase "gutter patriotism" again in a 1945 essay.

I don't know if he was the first to use it, and he certainly wasn't the last.

Nevertheless, the events of the last couple days certainly warranted trudging out that old war horse of a phrase though. Man, it's gonna be a fuggly couple months.

Otto Man said...

Did you survive this? If so, you're a stronger man than me.