Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Collider? Rickey Hardly Knows Her!

This just in from the “What Me, Worry?” Department: today, the switch is flipped on a device bearing a name that’s just begging for a typo, the Large Hadron Particle Collider. The biggest atom smashing device ever created by mankind, this machine is capable of providing stunning insights on the origins of the universe (which, contrary to Sarah Palin’s progressive beliefs, is slightly more than 750 years old) and we’re told it also whips up a mean cup of cappuccino. And when it comes to inventing devices that rile up the religious right and disprove the beliefs of wacky creationists, Rickey says: “Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!” For your reference, a picture of the massive machine can be found below:
Egad, they’ve built the machine from “Howard the Duck.” Nothing, absolutely nothing is cooler than science (well except for Rickey, of course). Although judging by the looks of that thing, Rickey sincerely hopes that the people who built it also set up some security to ensure that Lando Calrissian doesn’t fly into it and blow it up. But before you get all ecstatic about this giant leap forward for mankind, allow Rickey to tell you about the twinkie. What about the twinkie, you might ask? Well you see, according to some experts there is a possibility, however slim, that this massive machine might create a black hole that would devour the planet earth. Now we’re not scientists or anything, but this sounds like somewhat of a bad thing. Rickey kind of digs this whole existence thing, you know? Don’t these hubristic scientists realize what they’re doing here? Perhaps they’ve heard of a little movie called “Superman?” Jor-El told everyone that Krypton would blow up within thirty days. No one believed him and look where that got them. Dead, that’s where.

Now this post was set to automatically publish on 12:01 on Wednesday morning, so there’s a slight chance that with the time difference, those mad scientists over in Switzerland flipped the switch already and that the planet was quickly devoured by a black hole and this entire post was a relatively moot exercise. In which case Rickey has absolutely no regrets about his last major act on Earth being the publishing of an entirely inconsequential and quasi scientific blog post. But if you’re reading this post and the switch hasn’t been flipped yet, and you’re cowering in fear that you’re about to get sucked into a massive black hole, just remind yourself that the planet survived eight years of the Bush administration and we’re pretty certain that it can withstand this too. But if you feel the sudden urge to empty your bank account, buy a Ferrari, and go out in style, then by all means, go right ahead. We’re not sure if this end-of-days-black-hole-devouring-the-earth-thing will take nanoseconds or hours, but we imagine you should have time to squeeze in a round of golf before it happens.


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12 comments:

Haley said...

I'm guessing the devouring will be instantaneous (she typed hopefully...) so this scares me less than being konked on the head by a large piece of falling space debris... or a dead bird... or really anything falling from on high.

leigh said...

i THOUGHT that looked like the central core of the death star!

Mac G said...

Great Site. Tell Rickey that I will be back. Word

weesle909 said...

Well, the switch was flipped and we're all still here.

So either we're safe, or the afterlife is a hell of a lot like planet earth - blogs and all!

George said...

So far so good, I mean dfmjgegegcbcbm!!!!!!

Sorry, that wasn't a collider-caused-apocalypse, just my fingers sticky from donut.

Sully Sullivan said...

Ah well what can you do?

If we all die, we all die right? I'm off to go eat the biggest steak I can find while riding the tallest rollercoaster i can find.

Mark said...

No end so far. Unfortunately they haven't started colliding anything yet.

Smitty said...

You what's funny to me? Just how afraid of dying all these religious zealots really are (Mid East brand of zealotry notwithstanding). If you're that close to God, what the Hell do you have to worry about?

Bob said...

"...there is a possibility, however slim, that this massive machine might create a black hole that would devour the planet earth."

Kinda sounds like the premise of the new show Fringe where technology has reached a point where scientific experiments around the world are endangering mankind, so they must be controlled. In case you missed it, last night's premiere will re-run on Sunday I think.

Jeff said...

So you're saying Alfred E. Neuman is responsible for this?

Just what are you supposed to do with a smashed atom anyway?

Rickey Henderson said...

Mark: very good point. Everyone listen up--Rickey's got an important safety announcement. Rickey neglected to mention that they're not actually smashing atoms together yet. Not today anyway. That comes in late fall and that's the thing that a few fringe scientists think will, you know, kill us all instantly. Or open up a dimensional portal to a realm of unspeakable horrors, kind of like "Half Life" or "The Mist." Look for Rickey to put up a ticker counting down to it on the site in the coming days.

Bob: fuck yes Rickey has seen Fringe. Rickey was recommending it an entire month ago, welcome to the party pal. Great show so far.

Smitty: the zealots are afraid of shuffling off this mortal coil before their work is done. You can't get the teaching of evolution banned from high schools if you're up in heaven playing tiddlywinks with Jesus now, can you?

Rickey Henderson said...

Just what are you supposed to do with a smashed atom anyway?

Hm... have it swap insurance info with the the atom it collided with? Now there's an idea for this machine: put two cadillacs in it, flip the switch and smash em toegther. Swiss tax dollars put to good use.