Thursday, September 18, 2008

Adventures in Electoral Indiscretion: Announcing the Campaign to Write in Rickey!

Friends, Election Day is fast approaching and we’ve tried our very best to help raise your awareness of the pertinent issues at play in the 2008 Election. Now yes, we realize that the last time you voted, it was for the purple M&M, but this time around the stakes are considerably higher. Some of you readers may live in battleground states and if so, we urge you to vote wisely, and please bear in mind that voting for the party whose vice presidential candidate is an amalgam of Daniel Plainview and Brother Eli from “There Will Be Blood” might not do much to improve this nation’s reputation as the laughing stock of the civilized world. But what of the rest of you? What about you folks living in those navy blue or fire red states? Your votes don’t count very much now, do they? So what do you do, toss your vote in with the rest of the masses? Contribute to the ever growing culture war? Shit no, you’re doing the honorable thing: you’re writing in Rickey.
Tired of those fat cats in Washington running amok? Write in Rickey!

Fed up with being required to wear pants in a place of worship? Write in Rickey!

Disillusioned that F. Murray Abraham’s birthday isn’t a national holiday? Write in Rickey!

Not a big fan of Burnt Sienna being an official color in the Crayola Crayon line of hues? Write in Rickey!

Frustrated that the IRS no longer accepts envelopes stuffed with Swedish Fish as valid tax returns? Write in Rickey!

Here’s how this works: most states and municipalities leave a blank spot on the ballot to allow you the voter to write in your pick for President of the United States who may not have made it onto the ballot. It is this fun filled loophole that allowed Joe Walsh to run a write-in campaign in 1980, promising to switch the national anthem to “Life’s Been Good” and running on a platform of “Free Gas For Everyone.” And while the free gas shtick wasn’t a horrible idea (in fact McCain’s gas tax holiday gimmick is pretty much founded on it) it’s somewhat difficult to think that this nation’s founding fathers intended for its citizens to be required stand for a twenty five minute rendition of “Life’s been Good’ before every sporting event they attended.*

But no matter. The exploitation that the write in ballot allows is a paragon of democracy in action and we urge you to firmly grasp it in all its tumescent glory and on this Election Day, proudly write “Rickey Henderson” in this space.

Again, this applies only to readers who will cast their votes in either deep blue or dark red states. This means that if Chris Matthews has been spotted in your home town rooting through the neighbors' garbage, in the days prior to the election, YOU SHOULD NOT be writing in Rickey. You should be voting for Obama (or if eight years of cronyism, war mongering and a general destruction of your civil rights just haven't been enough for you, by all means, vote for Mumbly Joe and his merry band of fascists). Now as of this writing, Rickey has not yet selected a running mate. We’re kind of torn between Mr. Met (we hear good things about his tax reform policy!) and a haggis shaped like Abe Lincoln. We’ll be sure to toss up an announcement once Rickey selects a running mate with an adequate level of disregard for conventional logic and the principles of Newtonian physics.

[in the meantime, warm up for this voting thing by voting for Rickey’s post at Humor Blogs]

*[here’s a nifty little footnote: according to Wikipedia, during live shows, Joe Walsh is known to change the lyrics to “Life’s been Good,” such as 'Lock the doors in case I'm attacked' to 'Lock the doors and watch the War in Iraq!' to 'I watch the Lakers, they suck without Shaq!' and, more recently, 'Lock the doors, and vote for Barack.']

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leigh said...

pick me as your running mate and we'll really show them who's a VPILF. woo hoo!

George said...

To be honest unburnt Sienna is an even uglier color, so perhaps we should be thankful.

So can I be your campaign chair in CA?

Mike said...

Rickey has one, and only one possible choice for running mate: Manny Ramirez.

George said...

But Manny will insist on $20 mil a year for each year of his VP contract.

Deb said...

"But Manny will insist on $20 mil a year for each year of his VP contract."

If Rickey's LUCKY, George... if he's LUCKY. More likely, Manny will want a significant upgrade from his current status, a personal hairdresser, a private baseball diamond with a personal pitcher, and free Fruit Loops for everyone...:) !

Rickey Henderson said...

Mike, you're suggesting that Rickey pick Manny? So Rickey can listen to Charles Krautheimer say "that's just Manny being Manny" whenever he defecates on the White House lawn? Thanks, but no thanks!

upstate met fan said...

I can get you a whole bunch of votes.. dirt cheap too. But I want some of them Campaing Buttons in return.

renalfailure said...

As long as you're not taking votes away from Tag Larkin. Beware, Rickey Henderson. Tag Larkin doesn't steal bases, he just outright takes them.