Rickey’s Tips for a Fruitful Job Interview

Rickey’s kicking off the week with a handy guide for those of you seeking gainful employment in the workforce. See, a little while back, Rickey was contacted by a company and asked if he’d be interested in interviewing for a position with them. Rickey, having vague recollections of putting his resume on Monster.com a few years ago, consented to go on the job interview with the hope of ascertaining his free market value and honing his ability to brag about himself in corporate speak. At the very least, Rickey figured it would be an educational and mildly illuminating experience. Oh how horrifically wrong he was.

The company, which in the interest of confidentiality shall remain nameless, was a fiber optics network provider. For those not in the know, here’s a brief background on this fascinating industry of modern day robber barons: after deregulation hit a few years back, many of these fiber optics companies ran their businesses similarly to how a sociopathic vagrant might play “Monopoly.” In search of fortune and glory, they essentially mortgaged their four railroads in order to purchase Park Place, even though someone else already owned Boardwalk. And now, companies like the one Rickey interviewed with are just beginning to pick up the pieces from the mess. So without further ado, below is a list of tips that Rickey gleamed from his job interview last week.

1) Do your homework about the company you’re interviewing with. Rickey neglected to do this beforehand which is a damned shame because oh so much more hilarity would have been added to the proceedings had Rickey been aware that this company’s top clients included Bear Stearns and a bevy of “adult entertainment” websites. Odd, and everyone at the company seemed so professional, solemn, and upstanding… We live in a strange strange world.

2) Dress smart. Rickey trimmed his beard a bit, polished his shoes, and tossed on a suit & diagonally striped tie, but we see no reason why you couldn’t up the ante a bit by donning a conductor’s outfit. Or dressing up like a vampire, take your pick. (Vampires are fairly self sufficient as far as medical needs go, which is an added bonus for any company fretting about its rising health coverage expenses).

3) When you’re greeted by the people interviewing you, they will most likely ask you whether you’d like some water or perhaps a cup of coffee. Rickey has read more than enough “New Yorker” exposes on interrogation techniques at Guantanamo Bay to realize that this practice is nothing more than an attempt to strip you of your control, put you on the defensive, and ultimately, make you feel powerless. If you’re going to regain your composure, you’ll need to turn the tables: your dietary needs demand that you be brought a concoction of two parts cactus juice and one part monkey tears, posthaste. All out of monkey tears? Fine then wench, distilled rainwater will have to do. Congratulations, you’re back in charge once again, master of your destiny.

4) When being interviewed, be sure to inquire as to the company’s financial standings. Because call us nuts, but an ongoing SEC investigation is the sort of thing you should be aware of. As is bankruptcy. But hey, at least they’re trying to right the ship by hiring a patsy smart fellow like you, right? Rickey was indeed comforted to hear that the company was making an effort, but let’s be honest here: if you’re still can’t piece together your books from the year when John Kerry was running for president, perhaps a little outsourcing of the accounting department is in order…

5) Practicing your job interview conversational skills is paramount, because no other instance in your life requires this manner of talking and you will undoubtedly be rusty. You want your speaking style to be confident and easy to follow, which is why we’re advocating that you subscribe to the Al Swearengen school of conversation. Ye gods, just wait ‘till those heathen cocksuckers lay eyes on you.

6) Breaking the ice is crucial for any successful interview. Bring your large menacing dog to the interview in order to provide a suitable conversation piece. Then proceed to kick off things by challenging your interviewer to arm wrestle.

7) Before hiring you, many employers will require that you submit to a drug test and credit check, and Rickey learned that this one was no exception. So why not cut out the middle man and save everyone the troublesome paperwork? Get up out of your chair, stand on the desk of the person who is interviewing you, urinate in a cup, and then empty the contents of your wallet onto their desk. Checkmate, shmohawk, the ball’s in your court now, Rickey has nothing to hide.

8) In preparation for the interview, decide the important items that you are going to say no matter what they ask you. These are your “nuggets,” important workplace skills you possess that your potential employer needs to know about. For example, did you know that as a child, Rickey created his own cartoon superhero called “Cricket-Man”? He was essentially an amalgam of Batman and a ninja turtle and 100% all-cricket. Rickey would spend hours doodling elaborate pictures of “Cricket-Man” in his school notebooks, even inventing his own movies starring him: “Crick to the Future,” “The Crickenator,” “Beverly Hills Cricket II,” etc. Don’t be afraid to share--these are the sorts of valuable qualities that your future employer absolutely needs to be aware of in order to hire you.

9) Remember to ask for a tour of the office. This is your chance to get the lay of the land. Be sure to inquire as to the availability of a private office to accommodate your prolonged bouts of open weeping. Now is also a good time to ask if the office honors the customary “No-Pants Tuesday” policy that you were accustomed to at your previous job.

10) When asked why you left your previous job, remember not to talk excessively about your dissatisfaction with your employer. No one likes a disgruntled worker. Instead, just mutter something about a structure fire and gaze distantly out the window.

11) When you’re finally introduced to the company’s CEO, it is your responsibility to try your damndest not to laugh your ass off at how much the guy looks like Robert DeNiro, complete with slicked back grey hair, wise guy attitude, and sleepy expression. Rickey persevered, but sweet fancy Moses, it was a real challenge.

12) It’s important to let the company interviewing you that you’re a hot commodity and that your time is limited. Pack a large alarm clock in your suitcase, and set it to go off mid interview. When it does, apologize to everyone in the room and inform them you have to leave for another job interview. On the way out of the room, remember to pause at the door, slowly turn around, put on your sunglasses, and do you very best David Caruso impression from CSI: Miami and smoothly say “unless… you’d be willing to offer me more money…” Trust us, it’s a bulletproof way of landing a high paying job.

And that’s all the advice Rickey has to offer. Even if you’re just a listless fool trying to convince the unemployment office that you actually are looking for a job, we figure a few of these tidbits might prove useful. And with that, Rickey’s off to Queens this evening to inaugurate the dawning of the Jerry Manuel Era at Shea Stadium. Marvel as Johan Santana takes the mound against Felix Hernandez and the ailing Mariners offense! Behold the hilarity as fickle Mets fans boo Jerry Manuel for his inconsiderate comments about them! Tremble as Jerry Manuel attempts to regain his street cred by challenging Sandy Alomar Sr. to a knife fight! (Oh yeah, and root for good weather too…)