Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Rickey's Obligatory Subway Series Preview!

In case the sports media at large had left you criminally unaware, this weekend heralds the much ballyhooed Mets/Yankees Subway Series in the Bronx. And we are rather sad to report that Rickey will not be in attendance. Rickey auctioned off his tickets on ebay (hey, if we can’t make it, why not turn a profit at Yankees fans’ expense?) and has made peace with the situation. But what we cannot make peace with is the fact that Rickey won’t even be within television broadcast range of the event. You see, Rickey’s going to be down in Florida at the time, soaking in the sun rays, slurping down mojitos, taunting disenfranchised democratic voters, using live alligators as water-skis, and generally immersing himself in Floridian culture.

What we’re getting at here is that you Mets fans are on your own on this one. Rickey will completely unavailable to lend his mojo to the sporting contest unfolding in the Bronx this weekend. Fortunately for you however, we’ve put together a little crib sheet detailing all you need to know about the Subway Series. Factoids and musings from the mind of a perpetually sardonic Mets fan abound below:

  • We can promise you that on at least one occasion this weekend, Willie Randolph will making a coaching decision so head scratchingly stupid that you’ll be sorely tempted to change the channel to “Ice Road Truckers.” Such is the joy of being a Mets fan. Don’t like it? Why don’t you go on the internet and complain about it then?

  • That dapper fellow playing shortstop with an intangible aura of baseball goodness around him? That’s Derek Jeter, and he’s not getting any younger. Every time he performs his signature “catch-the-ball-and-pivot-in-midair-and-throw-to-first-base” move, he runs the risk of breaking a hip. And as Ms. Henderson is all too fond of pointing out, he’ll probably be playing left field for the Mets in 7 years.

  • At least once during this series, the talents of one Joba Chamberlain will be on full display and he’ll behave like he’s been infected with the rage virus from “28 Days Later” after retiring the Mets and Tim McGraw’s “Cherokee Outlaw” will blast from the PA system in Yankee Stadium. We just wanted to you to be aware of this inevitability going into the series. Try not to go apeshit when it happens.

  • Hey kids, are you one of those goofy Mets fans who consistently laments the low ratio of Caucasians on the roster? Well then, meet Kyle Farnsworth! He’s like Billy Wagner, only more inbred!

  • For those playing along at home, we’re currently in Stage 3 of the “Pedro Martinez Road to Recovery Drinking Game.” This is the stage in which Pedro expresses frustration at his inability to rejoin the team. Take a shot every time Rick Peterson uses the word “progress” after Pedro tosses a simulated game against little leaguers in Panama. And we’re only a few days away from Stage 4: SETBACK!

  • You’d think it’s a little early for this sort of talk, but apparently the fates of both Joe Girardi and Willie Randolph hang in the balance of this weekend’s outcome. So why not cut out the middle men and just have these fellows duke it out fisticuffs style to determine which one gets to keep their job? Many will argue that Girardi would have an advantage being younger and more fit, but Willie’s definitely got the edge, primarily due to the fact that he resembles a grown up version of the foul mouthed midget from “Bad Santa.” That guy’s a bruiser.

  • In a crushing blow to any hopes you might have had for transgender hilarity during the Subway Series, Alex Rodriguez will not be playing against the Mets this weekend. The Yanks inform us that he’s out of the lineup due to an aggravated right quadricep, which, not being medical professionals, we assume is code of some sort for "severe anal tearing."

  • Try not to overly fixate on the fact that we live in a world in which Ryan Church is the Mets’ MVP. Seriously, don’t. Your head will explode.

  • While both the Friday and Saturday games are being broadcast on SNY (yay!) the Sunday game will be shown on ESPN (fuck!). And you know what that means: two hours of pregame coverage in which Steve Philips provides his expert insight on how the Mets are unable to win baseball games. Followed by a game called by Joe Morgan and John Miller. Give serious consideration to listening to the game on WFAN with the television on mute.

  • Here’s a rather interesting thought: consider for a moment, the massive number of runners David Wright has left stranded on base. Now consider the fact that he’s third in the league in RBI’s. Join us for a second, in Rickey’s “Theater of the Imagination” as we dream of just what COULD be…

  • And finally, some of you might be wondering: why is this Subway Series different from all other Subway Series? Why do we watch reclining and endure the bitter herb of watching Aaron Heilman trot out of the bullpen? Well the big item of note is that as of this writing, both teams are playing .500 ball. So while the temptation might be there to make bombastic statements about the urgency of this game, the reality of the situation clearly states otherwise.
Yes, admittedly, Rickey is just saying this mainly because he won’t be able to watch the damned games (that's how we roll). See everyone in a few. Consider the comments section open for discussion concerning this weekend's New Yawker beisbol shenanigans.

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10 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

"Well then, meet Kyle Farnsworth! He’s like Billy Wagner, only more inbred!"

Heh heh....white trash jokes=gold.

By the way, the day after Petey got hurt last month, I posted the follwing twelve-step sequence - I've checked off the ones that have actually happened:

1. DL. [check]
2. "He's running again." [check]
3. Setback. [check]
4. "We're hoping before the All-Star break." [check]
5. "He's throwing off the mound." [check]
6. Minor league rehab start.
7. Setback.
8. "He's targeting August."
9. Setback.
10. Finally takes the mound for the Mets in mid-September.
11. Elbow pain.
12. Shut down for the season.

Anonymous said...

I guess you guys now know why the Sox let him go, EH?? He was great in his prime though.
Sox fan

George said...

All I have to say is I took Ryan Church with the last pick in our fantasy draft and feel like a genius. As long as I don't mention I've already cut my 14, 21, 23, 24, and 27 pick. And my 15 pick has yet to hit the majors, but for that I blame Dusty Baker. Free Jay Bruce!

upstate met fan said...

Rickey this is all great.. but what the f... Am I going to do without Mets baseball until 2009?? I mean, baseball in Queens is done, right? hello?

I guess I could always start working on finishing my basement.@*(#$&*(@#$&(#&$!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well that was a great series... LOVED the 11 to 2 Sunday game... Chin ming wanger...

A happy sox fan

Statler said...

I think I can sum up my reaction to this series as: YEEEEEARRRGH! But then, I'm a Yankees fan. And I bet my Mets fan friend that all the bad kharma from both teams would flop onto whoever lost the series.

Fuckin' Ryan Church. Remember when everybody was screaming about what a foolish trade that was? How many offensive categories does he lead the team in? And did you SEE that throw?

Toasty Joe said...

God GOD, Rickey, two weeks and not a peep! How patient do you expect us all to be?

Toasty Joe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rickey Henderson said...

Remain calm--Rickey just got back from vacation. Rest assured that new shit is en route. In the meantime, here's an image of two monkeys having a knife fight.

Ed in Westchester said...

Rickey - Mrs. Ed in Westchester has made the same statement regarding Willie's resemblance to the little person from Bad Santa.