Thursday, May 1, 2008

Introducing Rickey’s Better Half

Amidst all the talk of baseball, videogames, gym membership, and other subjects of manly miscellany, some of you might have been wondering, “where’s Rickey’s soft side?” The answer of course is that Rickey doesn’t have one—at least not one that we’re aware of. But if we were to have one, it would most likely be embodied in the form of one Ms. Henderson, that shadowy & mysterious female we occasionally make reference to who has the unique pleasure of being engaged to Rickey. And she’s been relatively silent… until now, that is.

Ms. Henderson, inexplicably giddy with the prospect of marrying someone whose hobbies include growing beards and impersonating Rickey Henderson, was talking about wedding planning so much that her friends and family urged her to start a blog rather than constantly bombard them with the details. So now, she’s sharing her experiences planning the most important day of her life in the most reputable and distinguished manner possible: in blog form. And with occasional pictures of dogs. Those wishing to acquaint themselves with the girl responsible for washing Rickey’s laundry, picking up Rickey’s copy of GTA IV when he’s at work, brewing Rickey’s morning tea, and coming to grips with the fact that she’s engaged to a complete misanthrope should feel free to read Ms. Henderson’s Blog. (Rickey’s request that the blog be entitled “So You’ve Decided to Get Married During a Recession!” was flatly denied).

You wondered why Rickey had been so silent about the wedding planning hadn’t you? It wasn’t for lack of material to write about (because sweet fancy Moses, is there a lot of that). No, Rickey just didn’t want to steal Ms. Henderson’s thunder. We’ll let her share the experience with you instead. But if Rickey can just make a brief recommendation to those looking to plan their wedding: don’t make it a normal wedding. People have been there, done that and they’ve got the banquet hall matchbooks to prove it. This is why Rickey’s getting married at a venue owned by a family eerily resembling the Royal Tenenbaums, and even better, a property on which Hillary Clinton is confirmed to have relieved herself.

Rickey and Ms. Henderson hope to carry on this theme of a markedly non-bland wedding by employing the use of a wedding photographer isn’t a wedding photographer but a photojournalist, a caterer that isn’t a caterer but a bonafide & reputable chef, a DJ that isn’t a DJ but an actual musician, and having the wedding ceremony ordained by a devious imp who will be forced back into the fifth dimension if one of the guests tricks him into spelling his name backwards (hey, it beats paying him). And all this will culminate a year or so from now with a joyous display of fireworks as we remove the title of ‘Ms.’ from all future posts involving Rickey’s fiancée. (You’d think we’re speaking metaphorically about that fireworks thing, but we’re not—a "Class B" 15 minute pyrotechnics display isn’t as costly as you think).

So now that we’ve pimped Ms. Henderson’s website and completely broken all the nonexistent conflict of interest rules which apply to blogging, allow Rickey to be the first to say welcome to the neighborhood sweetie. If Rickey may make a suggestion: consider using capital letters, ok sweetie? Trust us, your readership will thank you for it. And that's the only freebie we're giving out, because as of this very moment, you are officially a competitor. Game on, wench.

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10 comments:

Tuffy said...

Now that's just Rickey flogging Ms. Rickey.

Smitty said...

Rickey:

Will Ms. Henderson's blog be funnier?

Smitty

George said...

I don't believe there is a Ms. Henderson--I think she's just one more third person construct you've come up with.

Smitty said...

I don't believe there is a Ms. Henderson

I've always suspected this...

AmyV said...

wouldn't that be really brilliantly funny, though, if ms. henderson were truly made up and rickey was not solo authoring not one, but TWO blogs??

also very frightening, but funny. in an insane asylum sort of way, though.

Toasty Joe said...

Buzz Bissinger told me Ms. Henderson is full of shit.

jeremy said...

a year of wedding planning, huh?

take my advice: somewhere near the six-month mark, just disappear and don't show up again until a week before.

neither she, her mom, her sisters nor her friends will notice, and you'll thank me later.

Rickey Henderson said...

Alright look: she's real damnit, Rickey swears!

Deb said...

I can hardly wait to catch up. She has to have a sense of humor to put up with you, right? (Oh, and I wholeheartedly agree with normal weddings. Booooring.)

leigh said...

hey! ms. henderson stole my no caps trademake style. plus, i wasn't aware everyone hated it. hell, jeremy does it.

mr. leigh and i got hitched in vegas...by elvis. the fat one. my mom cried. and not tears of joy.