Wednesday, May 7, 2008

This Week in Baseball: In Which We Shoot Fish in a Barrel

Ah, the fine art of the “non-apology apology.” It’s a careful tight rope balancing act of flatly denying any rumors involving you while simultaneously addressing them compassionately, thereby reducing the perception that you’re hiding guiltily from the public eye. Behold, Rickey’s in depth analysis of Roger Clemens’ recent statement made to the Houston Chronicle:

“I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media.”

Well no, not particularly, but Rickey’s been running low on blogging material lately, so sure Raj—let ‘er rip. What say you of the recent allegations of pederasty swirling around you?

“Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry.”

For those keeping score at home, that’s as close as Clemens ever comes to making an actual apology. And you know what? We should give Raj some credit for putting in the effort. (Primarily because he might throw a piece of a bat at us if we don't).

“I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws.”

Speak for yourself seabass—Rickey is flawless. Furthermore, the Derek Jeter fan club would also take issue with you on that one Raj. You don’t think Captain Intangibles could weasel his way out of rumors involving a love tryst with two eight year old boys by somehow tampering with the space time continuum? Jeter could. Jeter would. Jeter is infallible. You sir, are not.

“I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

See? He’s just like us. And really, who amongst us hasn't aspired to one day become a hilllbilly child molester? Sometimes you’ve made “choices which have not been right”? Another and much more accurate may of putting it would be to say that throughout your career, Roger, you’ve had no qualms with venturing across a busy interstate to pick up a $20 bill. But hey, that’s just Rickey paraphrasing…

“I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use. I have already made clear that I did not use them."

Ok everybody—case closed, the jury may finally go home now. What is everyone’s hang up with this steroid stuff? Let’s move on to the fun part where he has a 10 year affair with an underage country singer who had an OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage, and tried to kill herself.

“Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false.”

Well the allegations sound pretty damning to us. So unless you’re dyslexic and believed that the girl was actually 51, you’re pretty much screwed. Have fun trying to convince your overzealous lawyer to conduct his own independent investigation on this one Raj…

“I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do.”

Hah! You see how he ensnared us with his logic? He cannot confess—the facts simply prevent it! It’s like asking Data from "Star Trek: TNG" to lie, it would kill him.

“I have apologized to my family for my mistakes.”

Yes, but have you taken the time to apologize to Suzyn Waldman, Roger? She’s gotta be on suicide watch right now, right?

“And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Aw, you want privacy, do you? Well you won’t get it from us, not with Rickey’s Mets playing .500 baseball and with little else to distract Rickey. The best part about all of this is that unless we’re mistaken, Jose Canseco claimed in his book that Roger Clemens was the one baseball player he knew who never ever cheated on his wife. So wait… Canseco is not to be trusted after all?

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George said...

Would Roger Clemens fit in a barrel? And if he did, wouldn't that force all the fish out? Doesn't that make him mean to fish? I bet all his fish are named Piazza.

Toasty Joe said...

Speaking of that, Mindy McCready was around 25 when Clemens threw the bat at Piazza, and Raj had been dating her for 10 years. Warrants mentioning.

Rickey Henderson said...

Hmmm, so it was the tail end of the relationship with McCreasy... Perhaps Raj was pissed off with the fact that the tryst was ending and chose to vent his frustration by throwing the bat at Piazza?

George said...

Heh heh, he said "tail end."