Friday, March 14, 2008

Your Weekly Linkage

We'll just run this quote and let it speak for itself: “A Macedonian court convicted a bear of theft and damage for stealing honey from a beekeeper who fought off the attacks with thumping 'turbo-folk' music.” Those wishing to familiarize themselves with the curious legal system of this remote Slavic republic can find the story in its entirety here. Rickey’s not as surprised by the content of this story as he is by the fact that Macedonia actually still exists. Didn’t the Byzantine Empire wipe these swarthy fools off the map way back in the day?

Patrick Swayze’s mother is quoted as saying “He doesn’t deserve it” (as opposed to all those other pancreatic cancer patients who absolutely do). You know what the truly tragic part about all this is? If the Swayze shuffles off this mortal coil, then “Roadhouse” is going to be a whole helluva lot less of a fun movie for Rickey to watch.

Dynamite news for all you feisty observant Jews out there: Viagra has been ruled kosher for Passover by leading Israeli Rabbis! (Because as any self respecting Jewish girl will tell you, there’s nothing quite as attractive as a man gorging himself on brisket, latkes, and Passover wine). You'd better believe that there will be pressure on the Catholic Church to condone the use of Levitra during Lent next year.

Ok, someone needs to explain the full extent of the upcoming New York State Governor’s blindness to Rickey. According to Andrew Cuomo, he’s played pickup basketball with the guy. And from the footage we’ve seen, David Patterson certainly doesn’t seem to have much of an issue getting around. How’s he doing this, sonar? What we’re getting at here is that Rickey is beginning to strongly suspect that his next NYS Governor is actually Daredevil in disguise.

Speaking of all things gubernatorial, Rickey was amused to hear that Dr. Laura blames Eliot Spitzer’s infidelities on his wife, Silda Spitzer. Indeed, Eliot Spitzer's wife is clearly to blame for this scandal, with her contempt for geisha culture and unsupportive aging and whatnot, because let’s face it--her being over 25 is completely unforgivable. Mmmmm, now that’s some good female conservative self-contempt for ya right there… Is there anything more loathsome in this world than shrill right-wing hags? Rickey thinks not.

Hey look: it’s the new smart car! The hobbit of automobiles!

Bob Dylan unsuccessfully attempted (twice!) to sneak into American Idol tapings as a contestant by sporting a fake beard. Hold the phone: if you’re an American Idol producer and you get wind of Bob Dylan trying to audition, how in fuck’s name do you not allow him in? You don’t think that the presence of one the greatest musicians of all time might help bump up the Nielsen ratings for your shitty reality show just a tad?

According to a NYTimes article, there are roughly 9 million jackasses out there who are perfectly content using dialup AOL accounts to access the internet. Look, Rickey loves the whimsical notion of using wildly outdated technology as much as the next guy, but these fools really are depriving themselves of the internet’s vast pornographic resources and Rickey pities them.

Finally, in honor of the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day festivities, Rickey was thrilled to learn that three (free!) Dropkick Murphys songs have been released for Guitar Hero III. Rickey strongly advises hopping online, downloading the songs, and channeling your inner leprechaun with "Famous for Nothing" "Flannigan's Ball" and "Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya". Enjoy the weekend folks, Rickey’s out.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Adam said...

If you think those dial-up stalwarts are funny, try googling the subculture still devoted to Apple's Newton device. Remember that product? To be honest, it did launch the PDA movement.

I tell you, the thing is still in use. And people love the damn thing.

Toasty Joe said...

"Is there anything more loathsome in this world than shrill right-wing hags?"

No, no, a thousand times no.

leigh said...

i may have to like david paterson. when he was asked about shitzer's status, his answer was, "i'm pretty much in the dark about it.

i'm all about a little self deprecating humor in my politians.

Smitty said...

Dr. Laura blames Eliot Spitzer’s infidelities on his wife, Silda Spitzer.

What a gigantic, soulless crevice of stench.

AmyV said...

i didn't know you could still _get_ dial-up service. wow.

and, smitty, i agree fully.

Anonymous said...

I know you wouldn't lie, Rickey, but Bob Dylan at American Idol? I thought he was being rushed on stage by crazed fans in's too good to be true. That man is a power ranger!

PS: No, I don't know why I chose "power ranger." It just seemed to work.

Chris C said...

Dylan wouldn't need a beard to fool Idol fans. He could get up, sing 'Blowing in the Wind', and everyone would be going 'who let the old guy audition' and 'the Beatles' version was SOOOO much better like oh my god!'.

Alex L said...

I have to find some turbo-folk music, am I the only one completely mesmerised by what it might be.

Mike said...

Because as any self respecting Jewish girl will tell you, there’s nothing quite as attractive as a man gorging himself on brisket, latkes, and Passover wine

Chicks dig it, man. Even schiksas, as Mrs. Mike can attest to.

Deb said...

I had to Google Macedonia. I had no idea there were so many iterations of the country. Do you think version 15.0 has dial-up or high-speed access?

MP said...

The last thing Idol needs is a ratings boost...

MP said...

And while we're on Spitzer- this is a gem:

"To understand Spitzer's behavior, we really don't need an explanation any more sophisticated and nuanced than the one offered by former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss on Nightline. She responded to Terry Moran's absurd string of questions about Spitzer's possible psychological motivations by saying, "he wants to get laid.""

Swiped from Volokh.