Friday, March 28, 2008

Rickey's Theater of The Imagination: In Which Calmity Erupts In The Mets Clubhouse

Billy Joel will become the last entertainer to perform at Shea Stadium when he appears on July 16 in his concert “The Last Play at Shea, From the Beatles to Billy,” Billboard reported. -The NYTimes, February 8, 2008

[Scene: July 13th, 2008, in the interior of the Mets clubhouse, the New York Mets prepare to play the Colorado Rockies when the sudden squealing of tires is heard, followed by a thunderous crashing noise.]

David Wright: Hey gang, did you hear that commotion? What was that? It sounded like a car crash! Let’s go check it out!

Ryan Church: What is this, a Scooby Doo cartoon? Why is that Wright kid always so peppy?

Carlos Beltran: He thinks he’s the second coming of Derek Jeter and his dad’s a cop. You do the math. He’s in full blown Hardy Boys mode right now. You’re still relatively new here Ryan, you’ll get used to it.

David Wright: [comes upon car wreck] Golly, it’s a car wreck! In our own clubhouse! Looks like a sweet looking convertible too!

Carlos Beltran: Something’s moving in the car—it looks like some kind of man-turtle.

John Maine: That’s no man-turtle, that’s Billy Joel!

Ryan Church: You sure that’s Billy Joel? It looks more like that guy from “Mad Money,” Jim Cramer…

[Empty tequila bottle rolls out of the crashed convertible]

John Maine: Yeah, that’s Billy Joel alright.

Billy Joel: [stumbling out of wrecked convertible] Auuuuuuugh… ish ok, ish ok, I made it, I’m here, let’ssss get dish show on tha road…

David Wright: Gee, he must have mixed up the dates! He thinks that the Shea Stadium concert is tonight!

Carlos Beltran: …and he’s completely shitfaced.

Jose Reyes: ^!^!^!^!^!^!^^!^!^^!^! ?

David Wright: No Rey-Rey, I don’t think he’s here to teach us a new handshake routine.

Billy Joel: Alright, alright… lemme, lemme just siddown here for a second here…[sits down on floor, taking swigs from a flask] Ahhhh, thatssssss better. Now, who wantsta hear a little PIANO MAN? Yeah!!!!!

Omar Minaya: [bursting in] Alright, what’s all this ruckus? Is that Billy Joel? Did Billy Joel just crash his car into my clubhouse? How in fuck’s sake did he even manage to get a convertible down here anyway? Holy hell, I’m not even mad, shit, I’m impressed. Look, you guys just deal with this, ok? I’ve got Mark Teixeira’s agent on hold right now. [exits]

Ramon Castro: Can someone tell me who this Billy Joel prick is and why he’s interrupting my pre-game double cheeseburger?

John Maine: Dude, you’ve never heard of Billy Joel? The writer of some the greatest rock ballads of all time?

Ramon Castro: No, why would I have heard of him? All I’m seeing here is a drunk, bald, and possibly transgender man-blob lying on the floor. Can we please call security now? My double cheeseburger is getting cold…

John Maine: I heard that “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” was inspired by that Angelos restaurant in Little Italy.

Carlos Beltran: I heard he once got so drunk at one of his concerts that he tried to crawl inside his piano and take a nap.

Billy Wagner: You know, I can recite the entire lyrics of “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by memory, you guys want to hear it?

Carlos Beltran: In no way does that surprise me Billy. There’s not a whole lot to do where you’re from, is there? And no, we don’t want to hear it.

Jose Reyes: ^!^!^!^!^!^!^^!^!^^!^!

David Wright: Jose’s got a good point guys, we’ve got a game to play pretty soon.

Billy Joel: Don’t youshe bastids dares walk out on me… I’m Billy Joel I’m tha goddamned Entertainer! I wake up with a 1.44 blood alcohol level. No biggie. I had Ketel One and saltines for breakfast. Big whoop. You little fuckers know who Christie Brinkley is? I tapped that ass! Me, Billy fucking Joel! Now then, hows abouts a little Uptown Girl, huh? Yeah!!!! UPTOWN GIRL!!!!

Moises Alou: [stepping forward] I have a radical idea. I will urinate on Billy Joel to sober him up.

Johan Santana: For the millionth time, goddamnit it no, Alou. You have been doing that to Delgado for three months now and as far as I can tell, it sure as shit hasn’t improved his game at all. This aging effeminate musician will not leave until we all sing along with him, so let’s humor him and wrap this up, ok?

Aaron Heilman: So what song will it be? I’ve always been a big fan of “River of Dreams”...

[uncomfortable silence]

Willie Randolph: Aaron, you’re benched for tonight’s game. Gentlemen, let’s sing “New York State of Mind.”

Billy Joel: [sprawled out on the floor] I wanna, I wanna say someshing, I wanna say someshing here. Lemme finish. I love you guys.

Johan Santana: Okey dokey then, “New York State of Mind” it is. Alright, you guys pick him up. Got him? Ok, here we go, all together now:

Some folks like to get away

Take a holiday from the neighborhood

Hop a flight to Miami Beach

Or to Hollywood

But I'm taking a Greyhound

On the Hudson River Line

I'm in a New York state of mind

I've seen all the movie stars

In their fancy cars and their limousines

Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens

But I know what I'm needing

And I don't want to waste more time

I'm in a New York state of mind

It was so easy living day by day

Out of touch with the rhythm and blues

But now I need a little give and take

The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality

And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide

Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside

I don't have any reasons

I've left them all behind

I'm in a New York state of mind

It was so easy living day by day

Out of touch with the rhythm and blues

But now I need a little give and take

The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality

And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide

Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside

I don't have any reasons

I've left them all behind

I'm in a New York state of mind

I'm just taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line

'Cause I'm in a New York state of mind


[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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8 comments:

Smitty said...

Is it just me, or does Billy Joel seem a bit of an anticlimactic ending to Shea stadium?

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, it certainly does. And what's worse, the guy isn't even a Mets fan--he's a Yankee lover.

Haley said...

Look at the size of that boy's heed!!

Shhh!

I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.

Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.

Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.

Shh!

Has it's own weather system.
HEAD! MOVE!

Alex L said...

Some sort of man turtle... priceless Rickey, absolutely priceless.

Mike said...

Well done, Rickey.

And Jose, Jose, Jose makin' like Hocus-Pocus from Frosty The Snowman may just be the highlight.

Dan in Texas said...

Very Funny!

Billy Joel looks a lot like Allen King these days.

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Melanie said...

Hahah, this is so funny. I'm a huge Mets fan and I love Billy Joel too... I went to the first out of the two "last" concerts he played at Shea stadium, it was actually a lot of fun. Billy Joel is a huge Mets fan, (in response to the person who said he was a Yankees fan). He grew up on Long Island.