Thursday, March 6, 2008

ADVENTURES IN BAD TASTE: In Which Rickey Catapults Himself Into the Realm of the Inappropriate by Seeking out Humor on the Subject of Pedaresty

Sure it’s mildly funny and whatnot to hear about how the Boston Red Sox gave Hank Steinbrenner a complimentary lifetime membership in Red Sox Nation, but even more amusing to Rickey is hearing about a Red Sox scout being arrested for public lewdness flogging the dolphin in the presence of children under the age of 16. Just calling it "public lewdness" really doesn’t do it justice—in hopes of really sticking it to BoSox fans, we'd prefer to spell out the gory details for you. Those in search of a lifetime supply of nightare fuel will find a picture of the aforementioned intrepid baseball scout (and all around charmer) to the left. And, of course, this bizarre news story sets the stage for the following scene in what we here at RwR like to refer to as Rickey's "Theater of the Mind."

...[In a Florida hotel room overlooking a pool, in full view of several minors located poolside, baseball scout Jesse Levis angrily masturbates while trying to figure out how to patch up the holes in the Red Sox pitching rotation]...

Chris Hansen: [appearing from behind the curtains] Hi there!

Jesse Levis: [hastily zips up] Jesus christ, where’d you come from?

Chris Hansen: Housekeeping let me in last night. I've been hiding out in this room for a day now, subsisting primarily on a diet of hotel issue pillow chocolates and a tin of shoe polish that I found in your luggage. Do you know who I am?

Levis: No, goddammit, I don’t.

Hansen: Well I’m Chris Hansen, and you’re on the Dateline NBC special, “To Catch a Predator.” Our cameras have been rolling for the past few minutes and while we've caught you red handed, so to speak, we’d like to give you an opportunity to walk out of here scot free. Also, we are legally required to inform you that regardless of the outcome, the results of all this will be aired on primetime national television.

Levis: But this isn’t a game show!

Hansen: Actually, technically, it now is. In fact, our focus group is suggesting that we rename the show “Cock Block with Chris Hansen!” but that’s neither here nor there. So are you ready for some Red Sox trivia?

Levis: What?

Hansen: Indeed, Red Sox trivia! If you answer a majority of these questions correctly, you’re free to go back to whatever it is that you were doing just now. It's more or less the same deal we offered the Phillie Phanatic a year ago when we nabbed him exposing himself in the men's room of a local Cracker Barrel.

Levis: And if I don’t answer these questions correctly?

Hansen: Al Roker and a SWAT team are right outside the door. They await my signal. If you thought Al was a hoot on NBC's Today Show, just wait until you see him in full riot gear. Our wardrobe department had a fun time striking the right balance of joviality and physical intimidation.

Levis: What about my due process rights?

Hansen: This is NBC. There's no due process on network television. Ready?

Levis: Fuck no, let me out of here!

Hansen: Ok here we go! First trivia question: In which category did baseball legend Ted Williams lead the American League nine times during his career? Was it walks, slugging percentage, batting average, or home runs?

Levis: Ok, just give me a minute to think… Was it home runs? Oh jesus, oh fuck, oh god, I don’t know… Please just let me go, I'll never do this again, I swear…

Hansen: It was slugging percentage! Moving on, who did the famed Red Sox beat in the 1903 World Series? Was it the New York Giants, The Brooklyn Dodgers, The Chicago Cubs, or the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Levis: Shit, my family, my career, I’m ruined… Theo Epstein's going to drive across state lines wearing my scalp as a hat...

Hansen: No answer? We’ll skip that one then. Alright next question, this is a tricky one: when was the first night game played at Fenway Park? Was it 1935, 1938, 1942, or 1947?

Levis: How in the fuck would I know something like that? Oh fuck, shit, ok, ok, ok. Think Jesse, think. Um, was it 1942?

Hansen: Ooooooh, close, but no! It was 1947! Next question: which Boston Red Sox Manager had the best winning percentage? Joe Cronin, Terry Francona, Jake Stahl, or Bill Carrigan?

Levis: Jail, I’m going to jail… Is it Terry Francona? Please, sweet merciful Christ, please let it be Terry Francona

Hansen: Sorry, no that’s incorrect, it was old timer Jake Stahl! Moving on the Lightning Round, you still have a chance to redeem yourself…

Levis: Please, god yes, what do I do?

Hansen: Well… see this cat? [hoists cat out from behind curtain] We found it living at Fenway Park behind the Green Monster. You have to fellate it.

Levis: What? Why? How? Is that even physically possible? Why are you doing this?

Hansen: Its part of an exciting new cross promotion we’re doing with Friskies Cat Food! Market research shows that cat fellatio is currently polling well with viewers ages 18 to 35. Also, it's kind of a hot trend in Japan. Now what do you say? The cat or jail?

Levis: This is insanity. I can't take it anymore. Just take me away… I'll go quietly….

[end scene]

And with that, Rickey would now like to take this opportunity to apologize to NBC, the victims of child abuse, Florida law enforcement, the Ted Williams estate, the Friskies Corporation, cat owners everywhere, and anyone who appreciates tasteful humor. (But not Red Sox fans. Never them). To everyone else: we're sorry, we're really truly sorry.

[Posted at NAMBLA ...ahem, we mean Humor Blogs]

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jeremy said...

i lied yesterday. "cock block with chris hansen" is the funniest shit i've heard all day.

Deb said...

*making mental note not read Rickey in the afternoon, after breakfast has settled or risk spitting cereal through nose. raisins in the nasal cavity are a bad, bad thing*

George said...

Now that's what I call Hello Kitty!

Adam said...

Well done! But wow...

Rickey Henderson said...

come on, you have to admit that it's somewhat funny...

Haley said...

Jesus, Rickey, way to make me rethink my little kitty icon...sheesh.

And why is it that Cracker Barrel is so damned funny? Seriously, if you replace Cracker Barrel with Denny's or TGIFriday's it just doesn't have the same zing.

Rickey Henderson said...

Sorry there Haley out bad. If it makes you feel any better, Rickey's kid brother just clued him into this site:

Placated yet?

Alex L said...

I think you can expect some interest from several networks for that gem... FOX most definetly

Mike said...

I feel I must inform the number one member of the Shawn Green Fan Club, that Jesse Levis is a former major leaguer, and I believe, one of the few Members of the Tribe to play big league ball.

Not that it changes anything about the humor of this story.

Smitty said...

Pure comedy gold. Sell that script to someone.

Haley said...

Very much so, thank you.

Maybe I'll switch over to electric blue...

damon said...

A well crafted post on spankin it. Well done Ricky, well done.