Monday, April 30, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's installment of


Playing the “Inside the Actor’s Studio” drinking game. Confused? Here’s how it works, you drink whenever:

  • an acting student asks a question that turns out to be more of a statement.

  • an actor discusses an early, demeaning job with a great show of good-humored, self-effacing embarrassment.

  • James Lipton praises a guest so fulsomely that you yourself, sitting at home in your underpants with your bottle of bourbon, feel uncomfortable.

  • an actor is asked his or her favorite swear word, and they smirk and say one, and it's bleeped out, and it gets a huge laugh, as if no one's ever seen this happen before, as if the mere utterance of a swear word is very funny.

Draperies. Argh, it angers Rickey that his cherished television viewing room allows sunlight to pour in through the windows. The glare makes it nigh impossible to see anything on Rickey’s wondrous tv set. Curses on you, “natural light.” When will people learn that television is best viewed in a dank, dark, anti-social environment?

The musical stylings of “Iron and Wine.” Believe it or not, every now and then Rickey opts to listen to something a little mellower than the likes of Andrew W.K. or the Dropkick Murphys. And these guys are about as mellow and folksy as they come. But don’t let that dissuade you; being familiar with this band adds a few points to your music snob rating. And if “Hi Fidelity” has taught us anything, it’s that the ladies dig a music snob.

The Domino’s Philly Cheesesteak Pizza. Rejoice gluttons! Domino’s has brought this wondrous gastronomical creation back into their lineup! You’ll marvel at how humankind is capable of crafting things so ridiculously tasty. It’s like the Hanging Gardens of pizzas. To ensure maximum delectability, be sure to order yours with extra cheese and meat. Mmm… extra cheese and meat…

Night-vision goggles. You can see in the dark, and it's all green and glowing. Rickey has never tried these, but he sure would like to.

Command and Conquer 3 for the Xbox 360. Rickey will beat you senseless at this game. Did we mention that it features the acting talents of Josh Holloway from “Lost,” Tricia Helfer and Grace Park from “BSG,” Michael Ironside from “Starship Troopers,” and Billy Dee Williams from “Brian’s Song”?

Embracing embarrassing impasses. You know when you’re walking towards someone and each of you is blocking the other, and when you move to the left, the other person moves to the right? And this happens over and over again? And suddenly you’re having far more interaction with this other person than you really want to have? Well Rickey recommends turning this into a game. Feint, dart, try and anticipate the other person’s every move just by watching their eyes, and for every time you block them, you get a point. Rickey’s a freaking genius.

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Friday, April 27, 2007

Ms. Henderson Speaks

Hiya folks, Rickey here. In the spirit of trying ridiculously unncessary new things, we're kicking off a new column here at Riding with Rickey. If adventure has a name... it's a new blog column. The best part? This one is penned entirely by Ms. Henderson! Indeed. Think of it as Rickey's own little version of "The Sportsgal Speaks" from Bill Simmons' fantastic site. (Except this isn't written by a ditzy BoSox fan). And fittingly, the text is all in pink! Come now, what more could you possibly ask for?

Rickey admits, this is all kind of a ploy to boost his female readership over .5 hits per week. Look for this (hopefully) recurring column to appear whenever Rickey runs low on inspiration. So without further delay, let's turn things over to Rickey's infinitely better half. Take it away Ms. Henderson.

so Mr. Henderson has of late, been telling me that i should blog on his website. i really don't know why since I'm not the person that writes blogs. i'm that person that reads blogs. i read his blog, shouldn't that be enough? apparently not. so i suppose i'll give this a go, at least once, and see where it ends up. don't be shocked if this is the first and last installment. just giving out fair warning is all.

so for those not in the know, which is practically everybody reading this, i just moved from new jersey to new york . I am supposedly a new yorker now. my family lives in new jersey so i never felt the need to go very far. So now that i live in new york, what has changed (other then my address)? well, i still go home at least once a week. damned if I'm paying to do my laundry! you're not catching me in a laundromat anytime soon! i still get gas for my car in jersey. why should i pay new york prices? they're ridiculously high, plus i would have to pump my own gas. this is all very silly. why would one choose to pump their own gas? i can hear Mr. Henderson now: because it's faster and you don't have to wait on anyone. whatever. also, i'm still reeling from the fact that i have not found one place in westchester that has decent bagels. i'm a carbaholic and i need to have bagels in my life! another reason to go back to jersey.

so from going over what i have just written, it seems that i really haven't changed all that much about my life other then my address. hmm… interesting. some people might say i have a resistance to change going on here. i guess the big change here is that i now get to live with Mr. Henderson, which is a great perk and worth the move to westchester. they have to have decent bagels around here somewhere, right?

ok, so one last thing. i'm not always as amusing as Mr. Henderson is. so in parting, here's a link that's guaranteed to either make you laugh or just shake your head wondering what is wrong with the creators of this nonsense.

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Rickey Presents: The Carnival of Bauer!

Ah the rites of spring. Daffodils bloom, swallows return home, and “24” teases its rabid fan base with a modicum of believability and legitimacy. To mark this momentous event, Rickey is once again hosting the “Carnival of Bauer.” A quick recap of the day--at 7am Rickey woke up to have the following conversation with Ms. Henderson:

-“You know what today is?”
-(Rickey says nothing)
-“Oh fuck no, not that Carnival of Bauer thing again.”

Indeed! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 season of “24”! Feel the excitement! Now Rickey has gone on record and stated that this season of “24” has been VERY sub-par. Mediocre at best. But since every utterance of “copy that” or “damnit” that escapes Kiefer Sutherland’s mouth is like black tar heroin for you psychopaths, Rickey will keep his whining to a minimum. (Lest he have a mutiny on his hands).

The newcomer may ask, what exactly is “The Carnival of Bauer?” Well, newbie, each week, “24” fans (read: supreme nutjobs) post articles concerning topics Jack Bauer related and one unwitting blog gets to host the madness. For reasons known only to him and a small monkey named Abe, Rickey thought it would be a terrific idea to once again throw his name in the hat over at Blogs4Bauer to host this week’s carnival. And that’s how we arrived at this very tragic and bewildering point.

Please bear in mind that the observed etiquette at this carnival is no different than any other carnival: keep your children very close at all times, don’t touch or eat anything, and under no circumstances make eye contact with carnival employees. Seriously, it’s for your own damn good. Some of these people appear to believe that they're actually Jack Bauer. Enjoy the craziness that ensues below—Rickey’s going to go outside and shout at traffic.

Kicking things off is Adam, the misbegotten madman who created The Jack Sack. Think the “24” writers have jumped the shark? Please. Adam shows ‘em how it’s done, sending in an updated version of “Brighton Beach Memoirs” starring Godzilla as Eugene. Now that ladies and gentlemen, is how you jump the shark. Compared to this brilliant insanity, the writers of “24” have merely leapt the dolphin. So cheer up, ok?

** [Speaking of “jumping the shark,” one of Rickey’s many claims to fame is that Ms. Henderson’s grandfather taught Henry Winkler how to water ski. Rickey shits you not. And we all know the scene from Happy Days where that “jumping the shark” phrase originated from, right? So really, when you think about it, what’s happening on “24” is all kind of Ms. Henderson’s fault. Woo boy, Rickey is in so much trouble when he gets home tonight…]

With visions dancing in his head involving time travel, Alf, and Liberace, Jwookie, over at Cake of Death somehow manages to crank out a nice write up of this week’s episode. Ya gotta love the ridiculously over the top graphic mocking Al Gore on Jwookie’s blog. Here's a radical idea, how about we elect a leader who actually stands for something more important than just winning or losing? You know, someone who actually cares about climate change? Because Rickey lives in the greater NYC area, and would rather not have the "Day After Tomorrow" climate change scenario of wolves getting loose and attacking people occur, ok? Just sayin'...

Amy Vernon, a blogger for Remote Access ceases threatening to brutally punish her goldfish for their “irrational exuberance” long enough to write in with her thoughts on this week’s ep. Keep up the strong work Amy, Westchester is roughly 12% more snarky now that you’ve got a blog.

Some guy named MrD, whose writings remind Rickey of Fitzgerald (if Fitzgerald was an introverted pyromaniac with an oedipal complex) gives us a surprisingly well thought out commentary on this week’s episode over at Jam Hot. Er, was the “Log Jam!” domain name already taken?

Roci over at Rocinate’s Burdens casts aside an invigorating all-night debate over the pros and cons of urinating only every other day to give us his prediction of what happens on Monday’s episode of “24.” Then Roci undoubtedly heads off to masturbate furiously while fantasizing about Joe McCarthy beating hippies with a shovel. TTFN Roci.

Yanks, creator of Because it’s Sour, takes a break from pondering whether or not it’s an affront to jebus to have a mole shaped like the Virgin Mary removed from his right buttock to give us a look at the major characters in “24.” Funny stuff there my friend. Rickey notices that you’re a Yanks fan however… Um, how’s that working out for you these days? Shame A-Rod can’t pitch, isn’t it?

Steve, over at Magic Lamp, dresses up as a top-hatted industrialist, smears himself with gefilte fish jelly, and quickly scampers to the keyboard to send in a summary of this past week’s episode. Steve’s recap is so crazy and in depth that Rickey began to suspect a kind of genius at work. Nope, after a second glance, it’s still your garden variety crazy.

And that’s it for this week’s Carnival submissions. For further “24” related amusement, check out some funny stuff here and here. Rickey has it on good authority that the folks at these two sites scratch the crazy itch by staying up until 3am eagerly listening to police scanners for reports of octogenarian public indecency.

In conclusion, Rickey would like to once again thank all the miscreants who contributed to this week’s “Carnival of Bauer.” Please excuse all the taunts that Rickey felt necessary to dispense. Remember: despite your rat-like appearance, you carnies are indeed kings among men. Keep up the strong work, and come back and visit often. We'll leave a light on for you and some boiled cabbage in the fridge.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Endy Chavez: Mensch of the Week

Does it get any better than a walk off bunt by Endy Chavez to win last night’s twelve inning marathon game? Rickey thinks not. A walk off drag bunt?! It doesn’t happen every day. It’s the baseball equivalent of a goddamned lunar eclipse! For you statistics minded individuals (Rickey does not fall into this category of Mets fans) there was exactly one walk off bunt in all of MLB last season.

For this reason, Endy Chavez is our "Mensch of the Week" here at Riding with Rickey.

Bear in mind that we get to see our boy Endy roughly once a month, and when we do, he manages to do pull off something mindblowingly awesome. Something that says “hey, you Mets fans don’t get to see me often, so here’s a little razzle dazzle to hold you over for a while.” And then he does it. Something ridiculously clutch. Something that causes you to jump up from the couch, spill your beverage, and proclaim: “Endy fucking Chavez!!!”

And then there’s THE CATCH from game seven of the 2006 NLCS. Yeah, remember that? To this day, Rickey has no idea what Endy Chavez said in the postgame interview about that heroic catch. If memory serves Rickey correctly, it was something along the lines of: “I cat the bell, and we’z haping de bell wuz in da gleve!” Seriously, if you think Reyes is tough to understand, try listening to Endy give an interview. It’s comedy gold. If Rickey ever wins the Lotto, he will be making arrangements to get those two delightfully unintelligible Mets players together to do a reading of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.”

And let’s not exclude Damon Easley. His homerun last night (with two outs and two strikes against him!) to tie the game deserves honorable mention to say the least. Factor in the slumbering bear that is Ramon Castro, and you’ve got quite possibly the best backup team in all of Major League Baseball. This isn’t even the “B-Team” of Mets players; it’s the freaking reserve squad. Hey, production comes in all shapes and forms, and Rickey is more than willing to take it.

In further good news, Wright went 2 for 4 last night with a pair of solid hits. Can his slump finally be coming to an end? Last year we all blamed the All Star Game for his poor second half performance. What’s the silly excuse now? The new D-Wright wax statue that was recently unveiled at Madame Tussaud’s? Willie not giving him enough days off? The earth’s gravitational pull on the moon? Rickey’s not asking for an A-Rod level of production, but come on already Golden Boy, last night had better be a sign of things to come.

…by the way, it’s a real shame A-Rod can’t pitch, no?

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Your Weekly Linkage

Here are a few items of interest that you may have missed while sitting alone cross legged on a hotel room bed, laughing maniacally at a rerun of “Three's Company.” Missed the reference? Tough luck, we' re moving on.

For your viewing pleasure, a fantastic YouTube montage of all David Caruso’s overly dramatic opening one liners from “CSI: Miami” before the show cuts to the intro credits. Sweet jebus, for a redhead, this guy is fairly cocky…

And the first chapter of the BoSox/Yanks rivalry of 2007 comes to a close. Great. In other news, the asshole quotient in Massachusetts just went up ten points. Sorry folks, but it’s tough for Rickey to root for the Red Sox even when they’re playing against the Yankees.

But hey, if you really want to read about how batshit crazy Manny Ramirez is, then by all means, proceed here.

Why exactly does Heath Ledger look like the main character from “The Crow”? Evidently he’s playing the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie. Looks fairly awful no? A little too emo to be the Joker, right? And what’s wrong with Caesar Romero reprising the role? Is he dead? Let’s quickly change the subject before this devolves into a 5,000 word treatise about nipples on the batsuit…

McSweeney’s breaks down the pros and cons of the top 20 presidential candidates. If number 7 doesn’t elicit a chuckle then you’re simply not human.

For all you Mac junkies (Rickey knows of at least two of his readers are) check out TUAW’s ongoing series, “Desktops of the Week” for a listing of user created desktop setups that make your Apple OSX look oh so much hipper and snazzy. No Mac? Congratulations on being unpretentious and commonsensical. Seek out your PC wallpaper here cupcake.

Remember last week when Rickey recommended frequenting used book sales? Try this fancy resource for a listing of all the upcoming local booksales near you. Just click on the state you want to search, and whammy! More used booksales than you can shake a stick at. On April 28th, there's a sale in a town called Coxsackie, NY. Best. Town. Name. Ever.

Now if you'll excuse Rickey, he's off to research the ballot requirements for running for Mayor of Coxsackie, NY.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Rickey's Weekend Roundup

Happy Monday folks. Rickey is back from an extended weekend spent mostly at Shea Stadium. (That's not a photo of Rickey's seats, the real ones were actually much better--if you're good and eat all your vegtables, Rickey will post them shortly). A quick recap: no, Friday night’s game wasn’t exactly a showcase of athletic prowess, but it did give Rickey and his buddy Adam, the genius behind the Jack Sack, a chance to:

  • Become thoroughly inebriated in the parking lot while discussing how Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” is quite possibly the greatest television show of all time.

  • Jump start a group of fans’ car who forgot that when you turn your engine off and blast the radio, it kind of drains your battery. Smart people, these Mets fans…

  • Sprint into Shea at ludicrous speed desperately in search of the facilities. Rickey’s liver is still quite pissed at Rickey.

  • Somehow lose Rickey’s ticket during the mad dash to the men’s room. And then later recover it on the floor of the concourse!

  • Enjoy the rest of the game.

The moral of the story? Like the phrase goes, God watches over drunks and babies. A good time was had by all. And the Saturday game with Ms. Henderson was everything baseball should be:

  • A nice warm day (warm enough for poor Ms. Henderson to get sunburned).

  • Jose Reyes falling just one triple short of hitting for the cycle. Rickey’s man-crush is complete. Nuff said.

  • Oliver Perez exhibiting a fine return to form. Complete with his ridiculously unnecessary hop over the first baseline to start and end each inning! The man is half billy goat, half pitcher, and Rickey absolutely loves it.

  • David Wright striking out twice to end the inning. (Then tossing his bat and helmet away in disgust, and wandering into the infield to stare out into nothingness while waiting for someone to fetch his glove for him). I'll give Wright this much credit: he’s really selling the whole “argh, I’m frustrated!” angle of this current slump of his… Great production there David.

  • And finally, Shawn Green being Shawn Green. Never smiling, just playing it cool and getting it done in true Judaic fashion. Is “The Hebrew Hammer” currently being used as a nickname for Greenie? If not, this needs to be remedied ASAP. Rickey totally recommends working it into your Mets nicknames rotation whenever the opportunity presents itself.

And that sums up Friday and Saturday. Sunday was spent in NJ helping Ms. Henderson move the remainder of her belongings out of her old Mahwah apartment. Why Ms. Henderson is so attached to stuffed pig dolls wrapped in a blanket is beyond Rickey, but he goes along with it anyway. If she can tolerate his inexplicable need to see the new Transformers movie and occasionally get dressed up like the guy from Halo, then likewise accommodations can be made for a stuffed swine or two in the new apartment. Ah, quid pro quo, the cornerstone of all functional relationships…

After a brief stop by Ms. Henderson’s family’s house (who Rickey has yet to coin witty nicknames for) it was back to Westchester. So Rickey’s kind of tired this morning—hence the lazy summary of his weekend rather than anything amusing or clever. They can’t all be winners folks.

[PS: If anyone has any clue how to make paragraphs with bullets doublespaced, that would be fan freaking tastic. This single spaced nonsense aggrevates Rickey.]

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's highly topical installment of


Repealing the Second Amendment. Damn right it’s unabashed political opportunism to use the VA tragedy as a podium for arguing that guns be outlawed. And guess what? Unless you’re someone who would rather shoot an animal with a rifle than a camera, it’s the right thing to do. For the record, Rickey is fed up with living in a country of humvee driving militaristic gun nuts.

Developing your own flood emergency plan. Currently, Rickey’s flood emergency plan involves: a miner’s helmet, those floating inflatable arm things for babies, 50 pounds of beef jerky, and muttering “damn the torpedoes” before driving full speed into large puddles in the road. Arguably, there’s room for improvement in Rickey’s current system.

The Riches. Crafty southern grifters stealing a dead family’s identity in an affluent suburban neighborhood? And Eddie Izzard is in it? And Minnie Driver’s enormous head? Why aren’t you already watching this?

Frequenting used book sales. Last weekend Rickey’s local library was selling hardcover books for $2 each. Barnes and Noble eat your heart out. Remember, always get to a used book sale early so you’re not stuck sifting through Tom Clancy or James Patterson’s latest offerings. Being both literate and vaguely Semitic, snagging a hard cover copy of Ishiguro's “Remains of the Day” for a mere $2 made Rickey smile. What a bargain!

Tailgating. It’s manifest destiny in action. Confused? Here’s how it works: thirsting for adventure, you drive to your nearby sports venue (preferably on a day when a sporting event is occurring), get appropriately blitzed on Goldschlagger and Jagermeister, splash on your team face paint, then storm the stadium like you’re goddamned Patton, fandini in hand. What, too insanely militant? Fine, just sip some Coors Light in the parking lot then. Pussy.

Google Homepage. With a gmail account, you too can geek out by setting up your very own homepage customized with all the news and information that interests you. Rickey’s current set up consists of Calvin & Hobbes cartoons, YouTube clips of feral belly dancers, the current weather in Sri Lanka, and a stock ticker scrolling the trading/selling value of soy. It’s like a dashboard for Rickey’s life.

Avoiding making conversation with the Starbucks coffee wenches. Trust us, it’s just a bad idea. Rickey was recently suckered into a 45 second chit chat session with a coffee server who looked like the girl from “The Ring” (no, not Naomi Watts, the one from the well).

Inexplicably hurling pizza at a fellow baseball fan during a baseball game. Never mind the fact that you’re both fans of the same team. Or that interfering with the player actually helped the BoSox. No, it’s Patriots Day, you’ve been drinking since 7am and tossing that slice of pizza just seemed like a good idea at the time. In no way whatsoever is it surprising that this occurred in Boston. To paraphrase: “yah dood, fahck, I got wicked drunk and threw a pizza at this kid dood."

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Due to a hectic day, Rickey has to keep this post relatively short and sweet. Rickey was briefly poking around online, and yes, sweet merciful jebus, new Halo 2 maps are available today! And they’re remakes of the reigning all-time classic Halo: CE maps, “Hang ‘em High” and “Derelict”?! This magnificent game is almost three years old and Bungie is still making maps for it?

No Words. Should’ve. Sent. A. Poet. Rickey might not be reporting to work for a few days. Or bathing. Or leaving his apartment. Look for a new post on this blog sometime in the summer. If you’re a Halo addict, post your XBL name below in the comments section and Rickey will add you to his friends list.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week's installment of


Bringing a flask and blanket to Mets night games in April. It was abominably cold last night—‘nuff said. Smuggling a flask into Shea tempers the soul against things like bitter wind and the nightmarish sight of Oliver Perez walking in three runs in one inning. A blanket also keeps you warm, and gives you something to hide under when you realize that Oliver Perez could potentially be the second coming of Victor Zombrano.

Coffee from 7-Eleven. Ms. Henderson was right; it’s actually fairly decent stuff. Just be prepared to hear office rumblings about your “horrific coffee breath,” ok? Or just buy some gum. Whatever… Stan in personnel totally has it coming to him.

The new album by Kings of Leon, “Because of the Times.” Thought that Southern Rock was dead? Think again—these guys have fused it with the indie genre. The results are quite good. This album is best enjoyed while sitting on your porch, drinking a mint julep and cleaning your shotgun.

Not giving a rat’s ass about football this season. We know, Rickey says it every year, but this time he means it for real. Ridiculously over commercialized violent sports just don’t do it for him anymore. This season, the closest Rickey intends to get to football on TV is watching “Friday Night Lights.”

UNO. You know that quirky card game you played in 3rd grade? That bizarre little game that you always suspected was created by the same guys who invented Esperanto? Well now it’s online and is still an enjoyable way to blow off some steam. And its camera enabled, so you can actually see the people you’re trouncing online. Just be prepared for the occasional flash of genitals. Nothing ruins an UNO game like the sudden appearance of man-junk on your TV screen.

Not preordering “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” Seriously, why feed the beast? Congratulations J.K. Whateveryournameis, you raised yourself from rags to riches by blending Roald Dahl, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings into the most derivative tripe ever written. Rickey mainly bears a grudge against these books because a random passenger on the train once told him he looked like Harry Potter. Pricked Rickey’s ego, it did.

Locating the best chicken wings in your immediate vicinity. As a responsible citizen, you should always be cognizant of the following things: what direction North is, who Teddy Roosevelt was, whether you can turn right on red, and the best chicken wings merchant within a 20 mile radius. (Hint: it’s not Planet Wings). Know all these things and you’ll be just fine.

And that’s it for this week folks. (Pardon the slight uptick in bitterness for this week’s column: Rickey is still reeling from last night’s bad weather and spectacularly poor performance by Oliver Perez). Mets pitching coach Rick Peterson summed it up best: “He started battling himself. Once it becomes Oliver Perez vs. Oliver Perez, somebody’s got to lose.”

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Great Moments in Radio Broadcasting

Ouch, how low do you have to sink before you're apologizing to freaking Al Sharpton? Clearly Don Imus, grizzled old cowboy/cryptkeeper that he is, has finally buried the needle on the Absurd Richter Scale. Although Rickey is a little late to the game, bear with him while he briefly editorializes on the Don Imus shenanigans:

By the hair of Sanjia, who cares what Imus said? He said something moronic, senile, racist, and sexist. Well good morning, sun! Why does it matter? When did radio show hosts become such paragons of virtue that we as a nation must recoil when they say something untoward and offensive? And where’s the outrage over the hatred that the Rush Limbaughs of the world spew out on a regular basis?

It's not as if we're looking to these people for guidance. We're becoming a nation of second-graders where everyone is a tattle-tale and every perceived slight requires apology tours and press conferences and meetings and rehab and, finally, healing (yes, Rickey had all of those things in second grade).

But hey, now that Anna Nicole Smith has officially faded from the news cycle, the beast needed someone else to eat. Might as well be Don Imus, right?

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Rickey would like to take some time to discuss the automotive wonder that is a 1990 Volvo 740GL sedan with 220,000 miles on it. Granted, this vehicle was pretty much the balls for an entire generation of safety minded suburbanites circa 1990. But now? Now so attractive anymore… So let’s answer some questions you might have about Rickey’s choice of transportation and modern day mechanical marvel.

Does it have cup holders? Nope, evidently cup holding technology wasn’t prevalent in Europe in the early 90’s. Thanks for nothing Lech Walesa.

Is it aerodynamic? Judging by the fact that it’s essentially a rectangle with wheels, I’m going to say no, not really.

Does it run well? No, but it does sound vaguely tank-like coming down the road, inexplicably causing Germans to salute Rickey as he drives by.

Can it transform into an Autobot? Well that would be kind of cool and it’s entirely possible, but with Rickey’s luck it would probably be Bumblebee. Fucking Bumblebee, what a doofus.

Does it at least have power steering and airbags? What and what? Rickey is intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Does it have seat warmers? Oddly enough, yes it does. And that’s the only compliment I can come up with for this automobile.

How’s it doing these days? Um, well it’s kind of in the shop due to the fact that the engine decided it would be fun to start “hemorrhaging oil” as the car mechanic described it.

Who’s to blame? Well Rickey mostly blames the lord. See, there are two things that will always anger the lord and provoke his wrath. The first is drinking profusely on Easter (duh). The second is selecting Jose Reyes over Albert Pujols in a fantasy baseball draft. Rickey, brimming with hubris, decided to do both of these things last week.

Take Rickey’s word for it, just as in “MacBeth,” actions like these will undoubtedly disrupt the natural order of things. Bad shit will happen to you for being so arrogant. Forget a busted automobile, Rickey considers himself lucky that a singularity didn’t occur as a direct result of his chutzpah.

Even more alarming proof that the gods are vindictive beings lies in the weather report for this Wednesday evening. Indeed, it’s snow. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue except for the fact that Wednesday night also happens to be the first Mets game Rickey will be attending this season. So, tomorrow night, if the SNY camera pans in on a disgruntled Mets fan angrily cursing and shaking his fist at the heavens then that’s Rickey. Pleased to meet you.

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Boy That Escalated Quickly...

I mean that really got out of hand fast. It jumped up a notch, didn’t it? Jack killed a guy with a chain.

Even you right winger 24 addicts with fantasies in your heads of Joe McCarthy beating hippies with a shovel have to admit that the last ten episodes were at best “passable.” But can there be any doubt that last night’s episode of 24 single-handedly redeemed the season from mediocrity? Rickey thinks not. So after a self-imposed moratorium, Rickey gladly welcomes back the show where the camera absolutely cannot sit still, where everyone inexplicably whispers when they’re angry, and where Tom Lennox reigns supreme.

Oh yes, Rickey said it. Tom Lennox is currently the best character on the show. Mainly because the writers have decided to cast him in the role of “reaction guy.” So whenever POTUS unleashes a terrific dose of crazy (say, attempting to nuke a country for no reason whatsoever) we get a quick cut to Tom open jawed and wide eyed looking like he’s about to hide behind a chair and wet himself. Or there’s always “pensive Tom” which consists of him furrowing his brow or possibly even cocking his head if he’s feeling frisky. It’s fantastic television folks, and it’s also the only reason Rickey and Ms. Henderson have continued to tune in week after week.

Several thoughts on last night’s fantastic return to form:

Evidently in the 24 universe, international diplomacy works something like this: you launch a nuclear warhead at a country you want something from, wait for them to cave to your demands, then say “PSYCH!” admit it was a ruse, and call off the strike. Interesting.

Exactly when did CTU recruit an entire squadron of Arabic agents? And wouldn't they have been usefeul in multiple other situations over the course of the day?

Phone call quality while hidden away underneath a moving dump truck with your face six inches from a drive shaft? Not so good.

Ricky Schroeder gave his one and only semi-decent performance of the season by proclaiming “damn Jack” after walking into Kiefer’s DIY terrorist abattoir. Right, because the audience wasn’t quite slack-jawed enough after that over the top messianic craziness.

“Say hello to your brother.” Sweet jebus, that was good. Come to think of it, Jack needs a catch phrase every time he dispatches a baddie. Possibly something that isn’t ripped off of “Die Hard 3” next time?

And next week Jack goes it alone in search of Audrey. As far as Rickey is concerned, this year’s season just started Monday night.

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Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Less then twelve hours until the draft for Rickey’s fantasy baseball league... And oh boy, is he excited. Go “Mensch Warmers,” go! So to celebrate, Rickey is once again posting recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. (All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved). Enjoy this week's installment of:


Not being shoehorned into planning a retirement party for your boss. It sucks, hard. After spending nearly two days deciding which copyright-free illustrations to choose from for a retirement party flyer, Rickey is totally fed up. Screw it; he’s going with the “horn of plenty” and “top hat with white gloves and a cane” clip-art pictures. This will undoubtedly be the most bizarre retirement party invitation ever made. And we haven’t even entered the party decorations phase yet.

The Brewtender Beer Dispenser. Described by one of Rickey’s friends as “the best gift one man could ever possibly get another man.” Too true Adam, too true. Rickey’s getting all misty just thinking about owning one of these. Jebus, why are these things on backorder?

Rolling up your shirtsleeves while at the office. Because nothing says “I’m hard at work” quite like rolled up shirtsleeves. The best part? Rolling up your shirtsleeves takes very little work at all.

Seeing the sequel to Grosse Point Blank when it comes out. The first movie was terrific (rent it ASAP if you’ve never seen it). For the sequel it appears that the scriptwriter just ignored the ending to the last one and assumed nobody would ask “where’s Minnie Driver and her giant head?”

Viva PiƱata. In terms of cuteness, replay value, and quirky appeal, this is quite possibly the best game ever made. More importantly, it’s the one Xbox 360 game Ms. Henderson has shown any remote interest in. (Why women don’t like Halo is a total mystery to Rickey). Did you know that raisants and buzzlegums don’t get along, and that for a chippopatamus to appear in your garden, you must have 500 square pinometers of water and 14 watercress or 14 water lilies? No? Well you will, and you’ll probably be saying all sorts of weird shit like that in your sleep after two hours with this devilish little game.

Being a little superstitious. True story: yesterday Rickey noticed a cardinal flying outside. Rickey took a sip of tea from his trusty Mets mug and the cardinal quickly fluttered away. Is it mere coincidence that the Mets trounced the St. Louis Cardinals again last night? Rickey thinks not. However Rickey draws the line at tossing salt over his shoulder and sticking pins in voodoo dolls. You should too.

Owning a fireplace that plays music from your ipod in a side-mounted alcove. And so continues the dizzying race to see who can produce the most inane ipod-compatible gadget. Is this device even remotely necessary? No, but it sports twin four- x nine-inch speakers, puts out 65,000 BTUs and comes in 11 stucco colors. And Rickey’s not really sure what half of that means. Just act impressed, ok?

And finally, for the ladies, Rickey strongly recommends purchasing the world’s first perfume inspired by the bible. Evidently the fragrance is designed to be “a reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self and soul.” For comedic purposes alone, a perfume like this is invaluable. Plus, you get to hear your significant other say things like: “Jesus, what smells?”

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Monday, April 2, 2007

Happy Monday folks. A Mets season opening win coinciding with Passover beginning at sundown? Oh if that doesn’t call for the Mets yarmulke picture, then nothing does. After watching the Mets season opener and discussing the matter with Ms. Henderson, Rickey is now willing to concede the possibility that Shawn Greene actually might have something to contribute to the 2007 season (but he’s going right back in the penalty box the minute he slips up and does something that aggravates Rickey). So kickback and savor your Manischewitz wine this evening Greenie, Rickey supposes that you’ve kind of earned it.

And hey, after last night’s trouncing, clearly they all have. For Mets fans who suffered through the flattest of flat spring training seasons last night was a breath of fresh air. Everyone contributed in some way, shape, or form. Better yet, the Metropolitans had no problem whatsoever demonstrating that they could whomp the 2006 World Series Champions in all kinds of ways. And Rickey, being a big fan of lists, will now count them:

1 - Solid pitching my Glavine. Define: “seasoned veteran.” He was great, there’s just no other way to put it.

2 - Delgado's double. Ok, so maybe Taguchi (“that is So Taguchi!”) could have caught that ball, had he not inexplicably run into the wall and fallen down. But you know what, it was a solid hit and it broke the ice—and that was all the Mets needed all night thanks to....

3 - Four double-plays!!!!!!!! Sweet merciful jebus there’s nothing better than a little Reyes/Valentine magic in the infield.

4 - Lo Duca’s 3 RBIs. Always a good start to a season and a very good argument for him continuing in the two spot.

5 - Alou’s diving catch. Good to see the whole urinating on the hands thing is bearing tangible results. Admit it, Cliff Floyd most likely would've gotten up and hobbled away from a maneuver like that. Hell, Floyd would’ve shattered upon impact.

6 - Beltran’s rocket to peg Eckstein by about 10 feet at home plate with a throw that'd make you think it were August, and not April 1st. The best part? Paul LoDucca holding up the ball for the ump like a proud kindergartner after tagging Eckstein out (even though Rickey would’ve preferred to see LoDucca jam it down Eckstein’s throat. Scrappy my ass. Take a look at Ben Johnson and David Newhan. That’s scrappyness for ya.

7 - Jose Valentin putting out the fire on a St. Louis rally by doing his best Wally Backman impression up the middle. Good times.

See what can happen when the games actually count for something, and starters play an entire 9 inning game together? Is Rickey still worried by fact that 75% of the Mets players have salt-and-pepper hair? Yes, a little, but last night went a long way to allay those fears. So tough luck St. Louis, the Metsies saw red, played some solid baseball, thus spoiling your little coronation night. See you schmucks on “ring night.”

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