Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Your Weekly Dose of 24

Well it's Tuesday, and you know perfectly well what that means. It’s time for Rickey to try to cut down on the third person shenanigans and crank out a write up on this week's thrilling episode of "24." So sit back, relax (well, as much as humanly possible while watching this show) and enjoy counting the damnits.

Previously on 24: Thanks to generous contributions from “Nutjob President Weekly,” work on the grandiose Charles Logan Presidential Library has begun. As of right now, the library is going to consist of a bible, a ceremonial beard trimmer, tons of American flags, Martha Logan’s makeup kit, pictures of horses, and Richard Nixon’s corpse. It will be truly awe inspiring.

So did we all enjoy last night’s episode, AKA, forty non-stop action packed minutes of “The Chad Lowe Show”? Truly riveting stuff. Kudos to the writers of “24” who evidently have been hellbent on making it very difficult for Rickey to get excited about the show lately. So let’s skip over all the filler (and sweet merciful jebus was there a lot of it last night) and cut straight to the chase.

First off, let’s tackle the always enjoyable Chloe/Morris drama. Rickey would like to be the first to say: leave poor Morris alone. This is not a man to be interrupted while in the stall of the men’s bathroom. He’s been senselessly tortured with a baseball bat and a power drill. Come on CTU, give the man a whiskey and the blessing to rip off Milo’s goatee with a cheap home waxing kit. Besides, everyone knows that it’s easier to decipher vectors after you’ve had a few drinks.

At the horse ranch for criminal presidents, Charles Logan appears to have found God and become a new person. Kiefer, being more of an Ezekiel 25:17 fan, isn’t buying it at all. So by extension, we the audience aren’t meant to either. For once, can we please get an episode where Jack is actually wrong about something? Just for giggles, you know? Meanwhile, after being alerted to Logan’s re-emergence, Agent Aaron Pierce takes a break from washing Martha Logan’s feet and walks to the garage, flips on some Metallica, and moodily polishes his flamethrower. It’s go time Agent Pierce. For the record, Rickey totally predicted the return of Logan and is now predicting the return of Aaron and Martha, who are now living happily in a condo in Scottsdale. True story folks.

Fortunately, Charles Logan stocks his clothing collection with children’s size suits, just in case Jack Bauer shows up angry and in need of a wardrobe change. And out pops Kiefer looking all dapper and whatnot, ready to single handedly storm the Russian Embassy and get himself shipped off to Siberia in a cargo container at the end of Season 6. Seriously, how many foreign countries does Jack need to commit acts of war against before the UN votes to enact sanctions against Kim, Marilyn, and Josh?

Meanwhile several hundred feet beneath the White House, poor Tom Lennox remains tied to a pipe, without any help or aid from Vigo the Carpathian. After an awful lot of conversation signifying absolutely nothing, Chad Lowe plants a bomb on the presidential podium, arms it, and blows it. The explosion robs Assad of his 72 virgins and leaves Wayne horizontal on the floor, looking only marginally less dignified and in charge than he had been 30 seconds previously. Next week: Vice President Powers Boothe takes the reins of power. To quote Boothe's character, Cy Tolliver from “Deadwood,”

“…And don't the kid in all of us look forward to the new arrival. I still tingle at the bottom of my balls.”

Indeed. And we’re leaving you on that note.

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Your Weekly Mets Update

Glancing back at the past 11 days in Mets spring training camp, very, very little has transpired. But wait, something had to happen, right? Welllllll how about Orlando Hernandez coming down with a freaking stiff neck after throwing roughly two pitches and being sent back to New York? Indeed, it turns out that El Duque (which for those of you that didn’t that didn’t take 4 years of high school Spanish like Rickey did means “The Duque”) has some form of arthritis in his neck. And I can’t say I’m surprised at all, because guess what? Very old people are troubled by things like arthritis, bum hips, and the inability to modulate their volume of their voices. But in the defense of the elderly, Julio Franco does always know when it’s going to rain.

I’m willing to concede the possibility that Hernandez’ health might have become an issue say around uh, May, but we’re still in February people. February! So to sum things up, El Duque’s health needs constant monitoring all season long and Rickey needs an antacid and some bourbon. Generally speaking, the phrases "Met pitchers" and "being sent back to New York" are not a good combination... But on the bright side, with this development, there is the increased chance of seeing rookies like Humber getting some pitching action this season. Always a good thing. Moreover, Rickey is actually pretty excited about the unknown nature of the 2007 Mets pitching rotation because it allows Rickey the unbridled freedom of posting theoretical pitching lineups like this:

1. Glavine
2. Duque
3. Maine
4. Perez
5. Pelfrey/Humber/Sosa/Sele/Park

Not too shabby, is it? And let’s face it, if you’re a Mets starter, all you really need to do is show up sober with pants on, throw two solid innings and hand the game over to the ridiculously talented and deep 50 man bullpen. Meanwhile, the Queens Lumber Company will take care of the rest. We’ll be just fine.

Another reason Rickey is excited about this season: Lastings Milledge getting the opportunity to snatch the right field position away from Shawn “I-worked-harder-on-Yom-Kippur-than-I-did-in-the-2006-playoffs” Green. And honestly now, who isn’t rooting for Milledge to prove all his critics wrong and mature into the next Darryl Strawberry? (well, minus the drug and alcohol problems anway).

Milledge is undoubtedly on the right track. He showed up at Port St. Lucie bulked up and with a new attitude to learn. Problem is, he’s still a rookie and as such, he still makes rookie mistakes on occasion. For evidence, read this recent quote from the NJ Star Ledger:

“Lastings Milledge, who homered off Ambiorix Burgos during batting practice yesterday, meticulously taped color photos of three past or present major-leaguers to the side of his locker yesterday morning -- Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Jay Buhner. Sosa, who sat out last season, is in camp with the Texas Rangers while McGwire and Buhner are retired.”

Um, ok. First off, having a Jay Buhner picture is just flat out odd. And the Sosa and McGwire photos are borderline unforgivable. What, pictures of Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer weren’t available at the time? Can someone please talk to this kid?

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's installment of:

RICKEY RECOMMENDS:

Not shaving on the weekends. Seriously, why bother? They’ll never admit it, but the ladies like stubble. Plus, after a glorious weekend of not shaving, that Monday morning shave is quite effortless, leaving you smooth and aerodynamic once again.

Crackdown. A futuristic "Grand Theft Auto" clone with the added thrill of hurling 10 ton buses and jumping from rooftop to rooftop like a crazed mutant kangaroo. Did we mention that the disc includes the soon to be released Halo 3 Beta?

Visiting your local library. Hey, you might as well see what your taxes are going towards, right? Think of a trip to the library as a safari through a zoo for the elderly and incontinent (complete with urine smell). Plus, in recent years, many library directors, drunk on power, have decided to spend 75% of their annual budgets on DVDs. Free movie rentals anyone?

The musical stylings of "The Caesars." Weird, quirky, and exuberantly Swedish, this alt/pop rock bank defies conventional description. So Rickey won’t even bother. They’re men of proud Nordic descent and that’s all you need to know. Just give ‘em a listening to sometime, will you? "From the Bughouse" is far and away their best song.

Battlestar Galactica. Believe it or not, you actually now have a reason to watch the SciFi channel. Forget the fact that we’re in the midst of Season 3. Hop on itunes and snag the free download, "The Story so Far" for a recap. The best part of this gritty space opera? It stars James Edward Olmos. That and the repeated use of the word "frakking," which is evidently a curse in futurespeak.

And while we’re on the subject of imaginary curse words, Rickey also recommends familiarizing yourself with the fantastically creative language of Captain Haddock. For the uninitiated, Captain Haddock is the salty sea dog character from Herge’s "Tintin" books. Look for a full blown 10,000 word "Tintin" essay in the near future. It’s been a slow week around here.

Moe’s. Think of it as an upscale Taco Bell. Their "Homewrecker Burrito" is not to be missed. Just don’t make plans to do much of anything after partaking in the messianic awesomeness. Rickey regrets nothing.

Enjoying "Seinfeld" reruns. It doesn’t matter that you’ve seen every single episode 500 times. Sitting down and watching "Seinfeld" is like welcoming an old friend into your house. (It doesn’t hurt that this old friend also happens to be the undisputed greatest sitcom of all time).

The writings of Augusten Burroughs. Yes, when he’s not clad in a diaper and wielding a mallet, Rickey actually does sit down and read occasionally. And when he does, it is usually something quirky and offbeat. Augusten Burroughs' books certainly fit the bill. Look him up.

Watching British Parliament. Forgotten what it is like to see political leaders conduct themselves in an intelligent manner? Tune in to this live webcast from time to time--it'll restore your faith in mankind's ability to govern itself. Constitutional Monarchies rock.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Your Weekly Links

Yes indeed, that is a picture of Ron Jeremy dressed up as Mario, what of it? Anyway, on to some items of interest that caught Rickey's eye:

Judging by the fact that there’s a “Save Studio 60” website, it looks like the powers that be are about to go ahead and cancel the show. Oddly enough, it turns out that most Americans actually don’t care at all about the career woes and personal crises of eccentric Hollywood writers. Rickey gave this show a chance, but it has spiraled downwards in recent episodes. Also, when you’re writing a drama about a comedy show, at least put in the prerequisite effort to make the skits funny. So what now? Well, we all hold our collective breath for Aaron Sorkin to fall off the wagon and give us all a decent show once again. Until then, it’s back to watching “Sports Night” (which can be found very easily on bittorrent by the way).

Kudos to the Chinese for this idea. Who exactly is eagerly lining up to live in a cage and eat monkey chow? You don’t need the 780 quid that badly do you?

Some genius in South Carolina decided to get into a physical altercation with some shrubbery. Rickey sympathizes with this guy. There’s a shrubbery outside Rickey’s apartment that is really starting to piss off Rickey. Fucking Forsythia bush, always starting shit but can't back it up…

Yes indeed, the wheelchair carrying the 2007 Mets is now rolling along. With Spring Training now underway, proceed here for a nice preview of the upcoming season. In other Mets news, Ms. Henderson recently caught me watching a “Mets Classics” episode featuring the 1986 NLCS on SNY. When asked why only the 1986 season is repeatedly shown on “Mets Classics,” I pouted, muttered something about SNY not having the rights to television footage from 1969, and told her to leave me alone. Being a Mets fan isn’t easy damnit, especially when you bear in mind that in 2007, the Metropolitans will still be paying off Mo Vaughn’s salary.

Ghost Rider is now flaunting a 27% rating over at Rotten Tomatoes. Critics are such snobs. You mean to tell me that a movie featuring Nicholas Cage as a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle up the side of a building isn’t any good? Rickey needs to see this travesty for himself and write a review. Look for it shortly.

Got plans for April 13th, 2036? Uh, yeah, think about rescheduling them—especially if you’re an oil driller named Harry Stamper, or his ragtag band of misfit roughnecks. He’s been drilling holes in the earth for thirty years and has never missed a depth he’s aimed for. By God, he will make 800 feet.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Your Weekly Dose of "24"

Well it's Tuesday, and you know perfectly well what that means. It’s time for Rickey to try to cut down on the third person shenanigans and crank out a write up on this week's thrilling episode of "24." So sit back, relax (well, as much as humanly possible while watching this show) and enjoy counting the damnits.

First off, let me say that the “Previously on 24” segments need to be re-worked. Is anyone else tired of Bill Buchanan’s picture being flung up on the screen and the label “CTU” slapped on his picture? This is Bill Buchanan we’re talking about people—a hard working middle manager who cuts through all the bureaucratic government red tape. (Rickey can attest to the fact that not all civil servants behave in this manner). For his efforts, Bill deserves better than being labeled “CTU.” The cast introduction at the beginning of each episode should be similar to what the NFL does to introduce the teams’ offensive and defensive lines, with video shots of each cast member proudly announcing their roles in the show and their respective alma maters:

Bill Buchanan. CTU Director. Michigan University.
Chloe O’ Brien. Socially Inept Computer Analyst. Vassar College.
Jack Bauer. CTU Agent. School of Ridiculously Hard Knocks.

It could happen, right? Eh, let's move on.

After taking all of 3 minutes to rescue Graem’s wife and Milo, Jack turns to Marilyn and decides to choke her for information. Someone needs to tell Jack that his unfortunate habit of throttling women (he did it with Audrey before too) really isn’t an endearing quality. It would be nice for a female cast member of “24” to end this season alive and not looking like she’s had the emotional wind knocked out of her. As Ms. Henderson chimes in: “How is it that every woman accepts being slammed against a wall by Jack and then immediately wants to sleep with him when he apologizes in his sheepish way?” Valid point. Furthermore, in real life, how many women would trust some angry lunatic who runs up to them and says “I don't have a lot of time to explain right now, but you're going to have to trust me”? Not many I’m guessing.

For further discussion on Jack’s love life, proceed here. Additionally, Jack Bauer’s Friendster profile posted by McSweeney’s contains some pretty funny stuff as well. Inspiration runs low on Tuesdays here at “Riding with Rickey” so occasionally we will just give up and point you in the direction of things that actually are funny. It’s not lecherous, we swear.

Getting back to the show, the high point of last night’s episode was undoubtedly when Marilyn asks Jack how he knows that Papa Bauer’s captured henchman won’t double cross Jack and Kiefer responds: “he wants to live.” Classic--I really think the writers of “24” are on the cusp of just borrowing stuff from this list. And then we’re treated to a similar exchange later in the episode when Marilyn asks how to use a gun and Jack looks at her like she’s got three heads and replies “point and shoot.”

So let me get this straight: all it took to make Chloe seem normal was to pair her up with an emotionally unstable Brit with a drinking problem? Gotcha. This whole Morris falling off the wagon subplot is tiresome, so we won’t waste much time on it. But I'll say this: if you’re a recovering alcoholic, CTU is probably not the best place for you to be working. They’ve got a morgue on the premises for christssakes. Forget falling off the wagon, you need to be a hardcore drinker to deal with the soul shattering horror that regularly occurs at CTU. I’d be pants-less and chugging Wild Turkey under my desk after hour two.

Papa Bauer telling Jack ”come unarmed” to pick up the kid is high comedy. He’s talking to a guy who ripped someone’s throat out with his teeth. Jack is a human weapon you lanky dolt. The prisoner exchange leads to an emotional scene at gunpoint where Papa Bauer expresses disappointment for Jack turning his back on his family and becoming a civil servant (the last part is spat out tauntingly by Jack’s dad). Okey dokey then. Being a civil servant, Rickey is very much pissed by that last statement. Philip Bauer cannot die soon enough. I’m going to log some overtime and devote large chunks of my leisurely 35 hour work week to writing the producers of “24” demanding that they kill off this schmuck.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we are treated to the return of a grizzly Charles Logan (as if you didn’t know damn well he was coming back). And naturally, he has clues. Isn’t it time Jack had his own quiet discussion with Chuck? Methinks it is.

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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Your Weekly Mets Update

Since Spring Training is underway (much to Ms. Henderson's dismay) Rickey has decided that it is time to start up a Metropolitans section in his blog. Yes, indeed, that's a Mets yamakah pictured on the left, what of it? Obviously, it's lean pickings this week since not much is happening yet. We will post again once more exciting developments occur.

Two items of interest that caught Rickey's eye:

  • The new rules recently adopted by MLB include a provision stating that "with no runners on, a pitcher will be required to pitch within 12 seconds." There is absolutely no doubt in Rickey's mind that Steve Traschel is single handedly responsible for this. In other news, I'm still not ready to talk about Traschel's playoff performance.


  • David Wright is looking for a new theme song. Evidently "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys just isn't getting David as psyched as it used to when he comes up to the plate. Rickey strongly suggests that David chooses "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra, thereby causing the entire Yankees fanbase to spontaneously combust. Do it David...

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Friday, February 16, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's installment of:

RICKEY RECOMMENDS:

Dressing up like Batman occasionally. There really doesn't need to be any reason for it. Just do it and see what happens. Remember: you're Batman goddamnit, and no one can ever take that away from you.

A decent set of kitchen knives. Those industrious Germans certainly do know how to forge sharp blades. Are we sure they aren't preparing for something again? Sharp instruments cut through food better, thus greatly reducing time spent in the kitchen. Just don't cut your thumb off, ok?

Gears of War. Hey there space marine, want to save the world? Well then check out this ridiculously bombastic splatterfest of a game. It's loaded with cheesy action/horror movie cliches which are rolled up into one fantastic third person perspective shoot 'em up experience. One of the weapons is a gun with a chainsaw bayonet. I'll repeat that: A freaking chainsaw is attached to the end of your gun. Words cannot describe the awesomeness that occurs when this puppy is put to use. Nobel Prizes need to be handed out for concepts like this.

Acoustic Spot. Alright, so maybe the trashcan fire was a bad idea. But if you're looking for yet more ways to entertain yourself while at the office, check out this resource. Its chock full 'o music goodness. Just don't let the boss catch you listening to any "Bloodhound Gang" songs.

Watching "The 1/2 Hour News Hour" this Sunday night. Why is Rickey advising you watch this Fox News conservative ripoff of "The Daily Show?" Well, mostly because you need to realize how tragically unfunny conservative humor really is. Memo to Fox News: satire only works when the disfranchised mock those in power, not the other way around. I give these idiots about 4 episodes before they're making racially insensitive comments and taunting minorities. Tune in this Sunday and watch the glorious train wreck occur.

The musical stylings of Guster. Tufts University grads, (go Jumbos!) this folksy band whips up some very good songs. Think of them as Wilco, only without the rabid fanbase. In Rickey's humble opinion, Parachute and Goldfly are their best albums.

SCUBA Diving. Next time you’re vacationing somewhere warm, why not nurture your inner Jacques Cousteau? Rickey suggests that you enjoy some of the few remaining few coral reefs in the world before BP/Amoco discovers that there’s oil in them. Best of all, you’re allowed to go on dives armed to the teeth--carrying diving knives and spear guns along to fend off scary sea monsters. Thank you very much, underwater division of the N.R.A.

Owning bookcases. Get one, now. Bookcases make you seem all brainy and whatnot. They’re relatively cheap and a newly purchased bookcase will inspire you to buy more books. It’s a win-win situation people.

Aaron Sorkin’s “Sports Night.” Tired of the soap opera that “Studio 60” has devolved into? Why not check out some vintage Sorkin? Think of it as ESPN’s Sportscenter meets “Studio 60,” and it makes for some damn fine entertainment. The fact that ABC cancelled this show after only two seasons is a travesty of epic proportions.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

Rickey Presents: "The Carnival of Bauer"

This week, “Riding with Rickey” is bemusedly proud to host an event known as “The Carnival of Bauer.” Each week, “24” fans (read: supreme nutjobs) post articles pertaining to all things Jack Bauer related and one unwitting blog gets to host the madness. In a state of severe inebriation, Rickey thought it would be a terrific idea to throw his name in the hat over at Blogs4Bauer to host this week’s carnival. And that’s how we arrived at this very tragic and bewildering point. Please bear in mind that the observed etiquette at this carnival is no different than any other carnival: keep your children very close at all times, don’t touch or eat anything, and under no circumstances make eye contact with carnival employees. (Seriously, it’s for your own damn good). Some of these people appear to believe that they're actually Jack Bauer. Enjoy the craziness that ensues below—Rickey’s going to go outside and shout at traffic.

To kick things off, Adam presents Happy Valentine's Day- Bauer-ized! posted at the always witty and perpetually entertaining The Jack Sack. As if that wallop wasn't enough, Adam also gives us "24": The 1970s Version. Bravo sir, bravo.

Lou over at The New World Order poses some great questions and gives us a few thoughts to mull over while whittling away the time until next week's episode. Enjoy Stir plot, cover, simmer for two hours which you can find posted at The New World Order.

Meanwhile, we here at Riding with Rickey are more than happy to serve up your weekly “24” recap. Stand up and take it like a man, even if you ain’t.

Gennifer Harding-Gosnell, the diaper wearing lunatic behind "Where am I Going and why am I in this Handbasket?" drops by to dish out some brief tibits in The Following Takes Place Between 1 P.M. and 2 P.M.... as well as The Following Takes Place Between 2 P.M. And 3 P.M.... Seriously now, some of you bastards have just way too much time on your hands. Rickey is becoming concerned.

Emperor Misha I takes a break from angry masturbation and writing Battlestar Galactica fan fiction to present 2 Hours of Straight Jack posted at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Rickey would like to point out that this guy's website has a picture of a shield bearing a cross and a picture of another one bearing a Star of David. Rickey's not really sure what that means, but it can't be good.

The always adorable rightwinger Little Miss Chatterbox presents 24's Joel Surnow posted at The Chatterbox Chronicles. A word of caution: if you look at her blog, you'll see that this blogger's political heroes are Ann Coulter and Peggy Noonan and she lists her favorite book as "How Ronald Reagan Changed My Life." In other news, Rickey's testicles just receded back into his stomach.

Let's move away from the unnerving political extremism for a second to see what the sublime Obi's Sister offers up Darth Bauer posted over at Obi's Sister. Bonus points to this chica for pointing out that Paul McCraine also played Leonard Betts, the cancer-eating badguy on an X-Files episode. Congrats on snagging what an acquaintance of mine termed the "Oddball Internet Discovery of the Week" award here at Riding with Rickey. Your two pounds of assorted smoked fish are in the mail.

The folks with the bubblewraped furniture over at MediaShuffle serve up a terrific dose of crazy, posting a Jack Bauer Update at MediaShuffle. But don't let me down King Tom, you know you can top that craziness...

Indeed! Not wanting to be outdone on the craziness richter scale, King Tom dons his safety helmet, scampers to the computer, and presents Tis the season of treason which can be found at King Tom's Kingdom.

Looking for some more insane ranting? Check out Michael's entry, where he gives us: NFL Playoffs + 24 = Excellent Television posted at Aids Has Yet to Find Me. Uh, terrific domain name there Mike. I'm guessing you didn't have to fight anyone for it?

For some inexpicable reason Angela Mitchell decides to talk about her mother an awful lot in Because he's Jack Bauer! (The return of 24...) posted over at Paranoid Pop -- TV, Movie, Pop Culture Obsessions, and Bringing Them to Life. Angela, your mom's still alive, yes? You're not wearing her severed head as a hat, right? Right?

Steve Pietrowicz casts aside an entire evening of cocaine fueled cockfighting to give us a write up of 24 Season 6 - Episode 8 - 1 pm to 2 pm Synopsis as well as 24 Season 6 - Episode 9 - 2 pm to 3 pm Synopsis both of which can be found at Magic Lamp.

Kyle Brandt, lay some crazy down on us! Kyle, only too happy to comply, presents K.B. Spends the Day with J.B. - Hours 8 & 9 posted at KyleBrandt.com.

Finally to wrap things up, Rickey has just been informed that one of the organizers of the "Carnival of Bauer" has a buddy whose wife works for Degree, the deodorant maker. Ok, so what's the point you ask? Well evidently Degree is doing some kind of cross promotion with 24. Yeah. Anyhow, much to Rickey's horror, he's now legally mandated to shill for an antiperspirant company and inform you that episode 3 of CTU: The Rookie has been posted. Damnit, this is not what I went to college for. Ugh, I feel so dirty right now.

In conclusion, Rickey would like to thank all the miscreants who contributed to this week’s “Carnival of Bauer”. (You have no idea how freaking hard it is to type that with a straight face). Please excuse all the taunts that Rickey felt necessary to dispense. Remember: despite your rat-like appearance, you carnies are indeed kings among men. Keep up the strong work, and come back and visit often. We'll leave a light on for you and some boiled cabbage in the fridge.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Daily Linkage

Happy Wednesday folks. Enjoying that mysterious mixture of sleet, snow, and freezing rain falling down from the heavens? Remember: fishtailing builds character. Rickey wishes everyone a well adjusted and chemically balanced Happy Valentine’s Day. Disreguard the massively geeky picture on the left--in case you haven't already figured it out, Rickey is essentially a 13 year old trapped in a 27 year old's body. Anyhow, here are a few items of interest to tide you over while hiding in the bushes and peering into your loved ones’ houses with high powered binoculars.

Check out this picture from the Westminster Dog Show:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0702/gallery.westminsterday2/content.7.html But beware; it’s like staring into the face of evil. Once you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you. Why Samoyeds never win these things bothers Rickey immensely. Is there such a thing as dog racism? Also, watching last night’s dog show, Rickey was amused when one of the announcers used the statement, "she's a wonderful bitch" as a compliment. Rickey is now looking forward to utilizing this phrase whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Good god, a Hardy Boys movie starring Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise? http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31572 And what will the Scientology spin be? Will Tom Cruise and the spirit/essence/whatever of L Ron Hubbard team up with bozo cop Ben Stiller to take on Aleister Crowley and the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn? Rickey is so eager to see this it’s not even funny.

McSweeney’s has entertained us all with some funny articles, but this is far and away the funniest. There’s humor and then there’s THIS: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/1/26sacks.html

Kudos to Tiki Barber for joining the Today show on NBC, thereby snatching away the coveted title of “Least Threatening African American on Television” from Al Roker. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/14/sports/football/13barber.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin Rickey's not a racist, he swears--he's just irritated by Tiki's perpetual blandness.

Courtesy of one of Rickey’s miscreant friends, here’s your daily dose of Jack Bauer goodness: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1741864 Note: since the internet filters here at the office block this link, it’s safe to assume that this link should be considered NSFW.

In need of some musical accompaniment to liven up the work day? Are you in between the ages of 20 and 30? Do you enjoy indie rock? Well then sparky, check out this fantastic resource: http://woxy.lala.com/

Ever wanted to buy boar, venison, or rabbit from local sellers with ridiculous names like “Rivendell Farm” or “Elysian Fields Farm”? Well then by all means proceed here: http://www.eatwild.com/products/newyork.html Sure, these people are all compost loving nature freaks, but they sell some damn fine sheep’s milk cheese… uh, whatever the hell that is.

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Your Weekly Dose of "24"

What, you thought that the next two hour installment of “24” would be the season finale? Well you thought wrong chief. Periodically, Jack Bauer flexes his muscles and preempts other FOX shows just for the hell of it. Think of it as a presidential address, but without all the tooth gnashing, lamenting, and banging of heads against the wall. So we’re sorry “Prison Break” viewers—you didn’t get to see how your show’s writers managed to rip off “The Fugitive” this week. Deal with it.

Previously on “24”: In a deleted scene, Papa Bauer explains the batshit crazy logic by which a company can place nerve gas and nuclear weapons in the hands of terrorists and still consider itself to be “patriotic.” When the director of “24” discovers that James Cromwell is unable to deliver the speech with a straight face, the scene is quickly scrapped and left on the editing room floor.

An Aston Martin car chase starring a helicopter and two British guys arguing with each other? Rickey likes. Especially the part where Jack, in hot pursuit, lands a helicopter on top of traffic and hops to the ground. Look, up in the sky! Its goddamned Jack Bauer! And unsurprisingly, he’s full of intense rage that words cannot even describe!

Assad, having miraculously warped to D.C. from L.A. in a scant three hours on the Nancy Pelosi Express, meets with President Wayne Palmer who informs him that if another nuke goes off then there will be problems. As if there aren’t problems already? Evidently Wayne thinks that the first nuclear detonation in Valencia constitutes a mulligan. You know your presidency isn't going very well if you’re constantly starting sentences with the phrase: “If just one more nuclear weapon is detonated on American soil today…”

Back at the terrorist hangout, Fayid decides to pick up a power drill and do a little Bob Villa style renovation on Morris’ shoulder. Suck it up Morris: it was only a 3/8 inch drill bit. In barges Kiefer with the CTU members who drew the short straws and had to tag along with Jack on a raid that only he is guaranteed to survive. And hello: Jack is toting a shotgun. I really hope someone thought to notify the FAA of this development. How much more weaponry does one man need to strike fear into the hearts of terrorists? Why not give Kiefer a tank to drive around L.A. in? Oh wait, probably because that would increase the time it takes him to get across town from 3 minutes to 5 minutes. Gotcha.

Fayid, having carefully studied the Marwan playbook, manages to escape using some tied together bed sheets, a small lizard, and a medical helicopter. This leaves Jack with the responsibility of whispering “damnit” for the fourth time in an hour and successfully disarming the ticking nuclear weapon. All in all, a thoroughly unoriginal scene, but somehow “24” cranks up the intensity and manages to keep the audience on the edge of its seat. Thus ends the first and begins the second, not nearly as stellar, hour.

Back at CTU, Papa Bauer continues his evil corporate machinations at the CTU morgue. (By the way, it’s high comedy that with all the cast killings that take place over 24 hours, CTU has the need for a morgue on its premises--I think I'd shit myself if I found out there was a morgue at my office). Anyway, Farmer Bauer definitely has it coming to him. How long until Jack tortures the living bejeezus out of his own father? Or yours for that matter?

Jack, still wearing his bulletproof vest from earlier (hey, I wouldn’t feel safe at CTU either) talks to Bill about Graem’s death. Convinced that it was his interrogation that killed Graem, Jack takes full responsibility and asks for no special treatment. Little does Jack know that his torture session wasn’t to blame for Graem’s death, thus once again validating the commonplace use of torture by CTU. Elsewhere, John McCain, despite being a former guest at the Hanoi Hotel, inexplicably nods approvingly and calls up the “24” producers to ask for yet another cameo. Uh, define “Stockhom Syndrome.”

To wrap up the episode, Marilyn leads Jack and Milo right into a fiery trap. Milo gets to drive what appears to be a black dog pound van while Jack escapes from an exploding building by jumping out the window. And hey, is it just me, or should CTU have thought twice about sending every available field agent into that balsa wood house instead of leaving a handful behind to watch over Milo and Marilyn? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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Monday, February 12, 2007

Link-Tastic

Due to a large workload and the hassle of apartment hunting, Rickey has been lax in his posting lately. Make no mistake, finding decent louse-free dwellings is no easy task. Anyhow, Rickey apologizes profusely and offers up the following items of interest in a token of good will and continuance of thanks to all his readers… all 15 of ‘em. You happy few. Pay no attention whatsoever to the picture on the left—Rickey posted it mostly for his own personal amusement. No mention will be made of Anna Nicole Smith because quite frankly, Rickey doesn’t give a flying fuck about that nonsense. Here are a few links that caught Rickey’s interest. Pardon the full links, HTML on Blogger is acting wonky today.

A big golf clap to the “New Yorker” for trying to set us straight concerning the political leanings on “24.” http://www.newyorker.com/printables/fact/070219fa_fact_mayer You know you're reading a “New Yorker” article when words like “zeitgeist” and “baroque” are being tossed around. Also, the writer felt an inexplicable need to compare “24” to a 1960s Jean Larteguy novel. Okey-dokey. Mildly witty cartoons be damned, Rickey is canceling his “New Yorker” subscription post-haste.

11 feet of snow? Yeow, haven’t the aging rust belt communities of CNY suffered enough? http://www.cnn.com/2007/WEATHER/02/11/frigid.weather.ap/index.html Evidently the big man upstairs begs to differ, and frankly, given the political leanings of those god fearing landlocked freaks, Rickey is inclined to agree with him. Enjoy the next ice age you goofy Reganites. Be sure to let Rickey know when the inevitable “Day After Tomorrow” climate change scenario of wolves getting loose and attacking people occurs.

I knew it: http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment_tv_tvblog/2007/02/lost_takes_a_tu.html See, this is what happens when ABC schedules programs that conflict with Rickey’s routine. The season premiere was fairly underwhelming anyway. (Oh wow, I totally thought of “Clockwork Orange” too when they found that kid in the room! Jeepers, we must be getting close to something here!) Bleh, Rickey is seriously considering hopping off the “Lost” bandwagon in search of less aggravating television programming.

Rickey is starting a fund raiser. He needs you give him $149,998 toute suite so he can buy this: http://www.hemmings.com/classifieds/carsforsale/cadillac/unspecified/177295.html An extra $1,000 buys you a ride in the vehicle with Rickey, who will be dressed up as Winston Zedmore. “Winnnnnstonnnnn….”

Due to his consternating inability to run Viva PiƱata properly, Rickey had to send his beautiful love child to a factory in Texas for repairs. http://www.joystiq.com/2007/02/11/ring-of-death-an-xbox-360-story-part-2 Hopefully, Rickey will be receiving a refurbished unit from Microsoft shortly, thus marking the first time that something good ever happened in Texas.

Mazel Tov to Kevin Smith for dropping 22 pounds. Now stop making bad movies you pompous schmuck. “Clerks 2” was a start—keep it up lunchbox. http://www.nypost.com/seven/02092007/gossip/pagesix/weight_plunge_pagesix_.htm

In case you forgot, the combined age of the Mets pitching staff is roughly 900 years. But is there reason to hope? John Delcos, a true mensch, has a terrific breakdown of the situation. http://www.thejournalnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070211/SPORTS01/702110399/1108

And finally, a small village in Serbia has decided to wisely spend their entire FY'07 budget on a huge statue of Rocky. Sound investment Serbian villagers—you didn’t really need that newfangled sewage system anyway. $10 if you’re not quietly singing the “Monorail Song” from the Simpsons right now. Monorailllllllllllllllllllll…. http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=36410&in_page_id=2

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Thursday, February 8, 2007

If Adventure Has a Name...

It has come to Rickey’s attention that the powers that be have decided to make a new Indiana Jones movie starring 60-something year old Harrison Ford. Fan-freaking-tastic. Don’t get me wrong, this would have been thrilling news in the Fall of ’91… but now? Uh, not so much. Sorry, but Ford’s just too damn old for this. Seriously, take a gander at the picture on the right--Harrison Ford looks like he got lost and stumbled on to a movie set. So Rickey was recently poking around AICN and found some dynamite possible titles for this new Indy flick. In keeping with this site’s firm ongoing commitment to mock and ridicule the elderly whenever given the opportunity, Rickey is happy to present these potential titles to you now:

Indiana Jones and the Sponge Bath of Doom
Indiana Jones and the $12 Birthday Check
Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the New Postage Rates
Indiana Jones and the 45 Minute Bowel Movement
Indiana Jones and the Fantastic Werther’s Originals
Indiana Jones and the Battle of the Child Proof Bottle
Indiana Jones and the Bitchin’ Game of Gin Rummy
Indiana Jones and the Discomfort with the Voting Rights Act of 1964
Indiana Jones and the Good Folks at Liberty Mutual
Indiana Jones and the Heart Attack at Zabars
Indiana Jones and the Poorly Attended Emeritus Lecture
Indiana Jones and the 9AM Arrival at the Mall
Indiana Jones and the Refusal to Use a Turn Signal
Indiana Jones and the Fabled Forest of Ear Hair
Indiana Jones and the Loss of Bone Mass
Indiana Jones and the Maze of Medicare Part D
Indiana Jones and the Proctologist’s Fist
Indiana Jones and the Summertime Sweatpants
Indiana Jones and the Half Priced Metrocard
Indiana Jones and the Musty Smell of Shame
Indiana Jones and the Closet Full of Forgotten Wrapped Gifts
Indiana Jones and the Saving of Receipts for No Reason
Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Dented Fender
Indiana Jones and the Dibbuk in His Chimney
Indiana Jones and the Infernal Icy Steps
Indiana Jones and the Meandering Through Parking Lots
Indiana Jones and the Shrinking Clothes Sizes
Indiana Jones and the Dry Brisket of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Written Check for 42 Cents
Indiana Jones and the Nocturnal Race to the Bathroom
Indiana Jones and the Rogue Caraway Seed
Indiana Jones and the Reason His Kids Never Call or Visit
Indiana Jones and the Handicapped Shower
Indiana Jones and the 1985 Cadillac With 15,000 Miles on it
Indiana Jones and the Fantastic PBS Evening Lineup
Indiana Jones and the $13.5 Million Opening Weekend

(Many thanks to Yack and all the other lunatics over at AICN). Also, if anyone wants to read something absolutely brilliant (i.e., Indiana Jones' bid for tenure being denied by Marshall College) then by all means, go here.

So does anyone think Harrison Ford might be a little to old to play this role? I ask only because I’ve seen no mention of Ford’s age being a concern regarding this film. Eh, who is Rickey kidding? Just cue up the theme music, give Harrison Ford the fedora, whip, and horse, and people will line up for this thing, just like they did for "Space Cowboys."

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Wednesday, February 7, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy this week's installment of:

RICKEY RECOMMNDS:

Aviator sunglasses. So what if the Unabomber and DKE frat boys favor these? So does Jack Bauer. You’re bringing the style back damnit.

Broadband internet access. You know that rabid raccoon with the basket of bytes strapped around its neck scurrying back and forth between your computer and your ISP? Yeah, well it turns out that recent advances in high speed data transmission have rendered that fucker obsolete. Rickey’s apologies to the raccoon. Get broadband.

The musical stylings of “Neutral Milk Hotel.” As a rule, indie rock bands that employ bagpipes are worth your time and money. “The Decemberists” are ripping these guys off big time and no one has the balls to call ‘em on it.

Owning a flask. Because nothing says “I’m classy” quite like an alcoholic vessel bearing V.I. Lenin’s likeness. If anyone asks you about the October Revolution of 1917, remember to get all misty eyed and gaze far away into the distance.

Scrabble. Seriously, when’s the last time you played this? It’s far better than Trivial Pursuit and not as obnoxiously Jewish as Monopoly. (Rickey’s a half-Jew, so he gets to say things like that periodically).

Blue Moon Beer. (Rickey loves the fact that there’s a scarily obsessive website named “My Life Is Beer!”). Anyway, this is an unfiltered wheat beer with a nice strong taste—one of Rickey’s favorite brands. Contrary to popular belief, oranges have no place whatsoever in this beverage. If your adult beverage distributor doesn’t carry brand this then they don’t deserve your business.

The Departed. No matter what anyone tells you, this is Scorcese at the top of his game (despite the movie’s so-so third act). Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg’s performances alone make this flick worth purchasing.

Listening to Steve Somers on WFAN. Is he the most knowledgeable sports radio host out there? Nope, not by a long shot. But he’s definitely the most ridiculously Jewish, and his callers are even better. Mike and the Mad Dog have nothing on this guy--his evening schmooze is not to be missed. www.wfan.com streams all their broadcasts live for all you non Tri State Area readers.

Keeping pickles in your refrigerator. A well stocked refrigerator is still incomplete without pickles. And none of this “half-sour” pussyfooting around either, ok? You want the full blown Kosher Garlic Dill pickles: the kind that frightens children and drives away small woodland animals.

Owning a Jade Plant. A low-maintenance plant excellent for lazy schmucks such as Rickey. Bright and snazzy, these bastards get big if given proper growing conditions. What, no sunlight in your humble abode? Well then switch dwellings then you stubborn Troglodyte.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Rickey Presents: Your Weekly"24" Fix

Well it's Tuesday, and you know perfectly well what that means. Time for Rickey to dispense with the third person shenanigans and crank out a write up on this week's thrilling episode of "24." So sit back, relax (well, as much as humanly possible while watching this how) and enjoy counting the damnits.

*What you may have missed during last week's episode:
a professional hair stylist has been hired by CTU to keep Milo's goatee and Morris' chest hair in line. Despite being named Ragnarok "Die, Infidels, Die" Bin Laden, possessing a ticking hair dryer, and overheard to be muttering something about "non-believers perishing by fire," the hair stylist passes the stringent CTU background check with flying colors.

As the episode begins, we see news teams (Fox News, I presume) covering the nuke story from behind police road blocks cordoning off a radiation zone in Valencia. Yes, indeed, because wooden saw horses ought to stop all that nasty radiation from getting through. Kind of like how the "perimeters" that CTU likes to set up around suspects' houses are absolutely air tight.

Fresh back from overseeing the construction of the new Ronald Reagan Pyramid, Tom Lennox strolls into Wayne Palmer's office and pushes his "lock up all the brown people" agenda. The perpetually decisive Wayne looks like he's about to cave in to Tom's recommendation. I give Wayne about 3 more episodes before he's talking to portraits in the White House. Meanwhile, somewhere, after watching Wayne's latest speech on tv and realizing that despite being an evil megalomaniac hellbent on trampling the Constitution, he'd still do a better job than Wayne Palmer, Charles Logan slowly rises from the couch to freshen his drink.

Graem's henchmen arrive with Jack and Papa Bauer at their destination, which looks suspiciously like the same refinery/construction site we've seen in every previous season of "24." How hard is it to shoot on new locations people? Filming the same structure from different angles and shuffling around the shrubbery isn't fooling anyone. Did the producers of "24" need to blow the entire season's budget on that crashed helicopter scene that took Kiefer all of 30 seconds to resolve?

Anyhow, Jack quickly gets the drop on the henchmen and Papa Bauer decides its a good idea to shoot the one surviving henchman who might have some information. So knowing what we know now, James Cromwell actually is the bad guy calling all the shots, not Graem. So why even bother with the deception at this point? Why don't Cromwell and the henchmen just kill off Jack instead of staging this elaborate ruse designed to make Jack think that Graem is actually in charge? Thinking about this is making my head hurt, so we're moving on.

Meanwhile, back at his humble abode, Graem suddenly decides it's a great idea to tell his disproportionally attractive wife that if she's going to be around him, she might as well make him coffee. If Graem had lived to see the end of the day, that exchange definitely would have come up during the child custody hearing. In bursts Jack with the CTU army (hey, didn't all those guys die in that nuclear blast thingy?) and Graem is put right back into the same office/makeshift interrogation room he was in an hour ago. Poor guy.

Back at CTU, Milo and Chloe debate over the issue of telling Morris about his brother having radiation exposure. Chloe convinces Milo that they should tell Morris and that being a responsible CTU employee, he won't flee. So they tell Morris, who reacts as any rational person would in that situation: he announces he's punching out, reaches for his coat and heads directly for the door. Strong work there Chloe. Fortunately, she lays a morbid guilt trip down on Morris about a million people dying to talk him out of leaving. What a charmer.

And here's the interrogation scene we've all been waiting for. Kiefer, suspecting that Graem might actually enjoy auto erotic asphyxiation, dispenses with the plastic bag routine and orders the token CTU torture guy to get the token CTU torture suitcase. Naturally, there needs to be a 5 second shot of the torture suitcase being fetched from the car to ramp up the gravitas. And out comes sodium something or other (I forget the last part, but I'm relatively sure we're not dealing with table salt here). The IV starts flowing, there's a lot of screaming and suddenly Jack is cradling Graem's head and getting all weepy while demanding info. Kudos "24" for managing to simultaneously shock me and creep me out. That's a first. Some excerpts from the riveting shouting match:

"We’re the same!!"
"We are not the same!!"
"You will experience a pain I cannot even describe!!"

Coincidentally, that's also a verbatim transcript from my last dental visit, but that's a story for another time. Did anyone else hear Kiefer make the Bush flub of pronouncing nuclear as "nuke-u-lar" during the interrogation scene, or was that just me?

Meanwhile, 200 feet beneath the White House, Wayne suddenly grows a backbone after getting a pep talk from his sister. This thwarts the ambitions of Vice President Powers Boothe, an actor whose likeness needs to be carved into Mt. Rushmore next to Roosevelt (Lincoln can move the fuck over). Say, does this mean Al Swearengen will be appearing as Secretary of Education? Is it a potentially bad thing for a Secretary of Education to say things like "heathen cocksucker"?

Finally, to wrap things up, Papa Bauer kills off Bluetooth Bauer, and once again, a character played by Paul McCraine dies a ridiculously creative death--this time at the hands of his character's own father. On the "Paul McCraine Death Scale," I'd place it somewhere in between being killed by a falling helicopter ("ER") and being run over by a van after being submerged in toxic waste ("Robocop"). Goodnight sweet Bluetooth, goodnight.

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Sunday, February 4, 2007

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Well its Sunday and Rickey is briefly poking his head up like some primordial gopher to see just what's happening in the wonderful world of sports. Ah yes, the Superbowl you say? Never heard of it. But it would help to explain why Rickey has been eating buffalo chicken tenders all day and is now certain that he needs a cesarean section. Louisiana hot sauce is a fickle mistress, and now Rickey, much like Icarus, feels that he has flown too close to the sun on borrowed wings. But in the greater scheme of things, I'm just playing my part as a responsible television viewer. The whole Superbowl sunday extravaganza is a celebration of excess. Carefully synchronized million dollar ad breaks, binge nacho consumption, happily unattainable cheerleaders, moronic sports commentators, mediocre musical acts, Viagara and beer promos... it's the American dream in action. A study in gross superfluity.

So just when Rickey thought that the Superbowl nonsense couldn't possibly be more bloated and unnecessary, he comes across THIS which in no shape or form surprises Rickey whatsoever. Quarterbacks with these skeletons in their closets need to be altogether permanently barred from the game of football. If this newfound footage doesn't effect the odds on this evening's matchup, then I'm fleeing the country for more saner climes.

Update #1: CBS is airing a pregame show with Cirque De Soleil. Oddly enough, the audience is really getting into it and applauding. Are these people that drunk already? How strong was the sun in Miami today?

Update #2: Wait, both coaches in the Superbowl are black? Why wasn't Rickey aware of this? The sports media really dropped the ball on this one...

Update #3: Normally Rickey stands and removes his Mets cap for the singing of the National Anthem (even if he's completely alone while watching a sporting event on tv) but not when Billy "multiple drunken car crashes" Joel is performing it. And why couldn't the Superbowl organizers have presented Billy Joel with a bottle of vodka, a clown car, and told him to drive himself onto midfield and belt out the National Anthem? See, ideas like this are why I should be commissioner of the NFL.

Update #4: The coin toss. Da Bears win the toss. Rex Grossman celebrates by having an endzone threesome involving Dan Marino and Archie Manning's wife. Peyton Manning promptly wets himself.

Update #5: Wow, a 92 yard punt return by the Bears. That's a first. Color me impressed.

Update #6: Double wow, a Manning interception. Looks like the Bears' defense will be doing most of the work this evening.

Update #7: Sweet jebus, back to back fumbles and a botched extra point attempt? I'll bet the NFL misses Detroit right about now. This is shaping up to be a wild and waterlogged game. Okey dokey, Rickey's gotta go--this matchup clearly demands his undivided attention. Enjoy the game folks.

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Friday, February 2, 2007

Rickey Examines The Food Network

Rickey has decided to take a break from all the testosterone laden posts about “24,” The Metropolitans, and horse euthanasia and discuss a topic that may actually appeal to his female readers… all .5 of them. If you were expecting a Superbowl-related post, take it elsewhere bub, because I have no interest in discussing whether or not Rex Grossman is a sexual Olympian god or how many times Peyton Manning wets the bed each week. Instead, let’s discuss food.

You see, Ricky’s a bit of a foodie, and likes to lurk about on sites such as Chow from time to time. But it’s the Food Network that really sucks Rickey in. All those long shots of sizzling meat, crispy vegetables, and herb infused sauces really get Rickey going. It’s essentially food porn—god help Rickey when they switch over to High Definition. Much to Ms. Henderson’s consternation and growing concern, Rickey spends large chunks of his time in his apartment marveling at the joy that is Food Network programming. But who are these dynamic personalities that Rickey welcomes into his fortress of solitude with open arms and a hungry stomach? Let’s take a peek at this eclectic group of gastronomical wizards and lunatics:

Alton Brown. A serious doofus, but he somehow blends the topics of science and cooking into an entertaining 30 minutes of television. His recipes are not for those afraid of experimenting. Rickey tried Alton’s marinated turkey recipe once and blew his eyebrows clean off. Rickey never saw his cat again.





Paula Deen. A sickly-sweet aging southern belle with an awful Tennessee twang and a penchant to douse all her recipes in ridiculous amounts of fat and sugar. Refuses to acknowledge territories north of the Mason-Dixon Line.









Giada De Laurentis. This one cooks very well and whips up some terrific recipes. Charmingly Italian, but far too swarthy and waifish for Rickey’s liking. Rumored to appear on the new season of “The Sopranos” as Tony’s goomara. Also, she has hairy arms.







Bobby Flay. Major league asshole. Worthless in all possible ways. As Adam, the brains behind The Jack Sack chimes in:
“He’s a one-trick pony. And watching him go to people's hometowns and challenging them to a 'Cook-Off' is absurd. I mean Jesus, you got a guy whose entire family has made chowder for ten generations, and out comes Flay with his chipotle and habanero fusion chowder, acting like a rooster jumped out of his pants. What a jerkwad.”
'Nuff said.

Rachael Ray. Very perky. Unnecessarily zesty. Major cocaine fiend. Makes up her own phrases whenever she damn well pleases. Here’s a list of the atrocities:
“EVO” (Rayese for Extra virgin olive oil)
“Zhuzzh it up a little bit” (no idea what the fuck that means)
“Yumo!"
"G.B." (garbage bowl)
"So delish"
"Sammies" (They’re called sandwiches you nefarious sea-hag)
“Spoonula”

The English language is not your personal plaything Ms. Ray. And while we’re on the topic of poor grammar...

Emeril Lagasse. Ever wondered what a cross between George W. Bush and a water buffalo would look and act like? Here’s your answer. Dumb as a doorknob. New Orleans dies a little bit more each time this man appears on television. Most viewers have no idea what exactly this “essence” is that Emeril employs, but Rickey suspects it’s the powdery human effluent that Hurricane Katrina left behind.


Mario Batali. Oh come on, this guy can’t be Italian, can he? How many red-headed Italians roam the planet anyway? Shenanigans. And to wrap things up…








Chairman Kaga. Is he a cook? Nope, he’s just a guy with a cape who likes to bite into raw peppers and unveil the bizarre secret ingredient in each week’s episode of “Iron Chef.” (Not the new crappy Americanized version, but the old, badly dubbed Asian version). For my money, it doesn't get any better than watching crazy chefs scramble to figure out how the hell to cook octopus labia.

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Thursday, February 1, 2007

In this exciting new column (which is in no way a blatant rip off of “McSweeney Recommends”), Rickey will post recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Enjoy the first installment of:

RICKEY RECOMMENDS:

John Hodgeman’s “Areas of My Expertise.” Released for free on itunes several months ago, this audiobook is comedic dynamite. You don’t know funny until you’ve heard this. Easily found for free on the internets. For those keeping score at home, Hodgeman is the new guy with glasses on the Daily Show.

Operating a rear wheel drive automobile. Fishtailing about in poor weather conditions builds character damnit. Rickey will be testing this theory on his commute to work tomorrow morning.

Clambering up to the tops of building rooftops, getting good and loaded, then yelling things at street level pedestrians. Because you haven’t lived until you’ve belted out “you can’t run off ugly” at female joggers passing by. Make arrangements to do this as soon as possible.

Possessing a piece of baseball paraphernalia, (preferably in mug form). Much like Tony and his precious Cubs mug from “24,” Rickey brandishes a Mets coffee mug. This is how Rickey lets coworkers know that a mensch walks amongst them.

The new Shins album, “Wincing the Night Away.” Rickey’s not sure whether or not this band falls under the snobbish classification of “Indie Rock,” but it’s worth a listening to nonetheless. The Shins: making good music since like, uh, 2005.

Owning an ottoman. Sadly, Rickey doesn’t have one of these in his apartment, but Rickey is relatively sure that the ability to literally put one’s feet up at the end of the day vastly reduces one’s stress levels.

Re-watching “Wall Street” sometime. An Oliver Stone classic starring Charlie Sheen and Michael Douglas at their respective primes. Blue Horseshoe Loves Anacot Steel.

Halo 2. (Not the campaign you dummy, the multiplayer). Sweet merciful jebus is this game good. Even though it’s been out for over 2 years now, you can still hop online and easily find 15 other people to share the awesomeness with. If you haven’t played this, you’re not living up to your full potential as a human being. Once Rickey’s Halo 3 Beta arrives, posting on this blog will slow to a trickle.

Cooking up a lobster dinner. Rickey says: get thee to a fishmongery ASAP and purchase a few lobsters. Bonus points if you perform your Woody Allen impression from “Annie Hall” for your significant other while attempting to cook aforementioned shellfish.

Using a badger hair shaving brush. Shaving sucks. One of these makes it better, and Rickey gets to feel all old-timey and whatnot while doing it.

Renting “The Keep.” An early Michael Mann movie starring Ian McKellan and Gabriel Byrne set during WWII with Nazis and supernatural forces duking it out in a medieval castle. And Tangerine Dream does the whole soundtrack. Depending on your mental state, it’s either the best or worst movie ever made. Rickey’s not sure which. For some insane reason, it’s only available on VHS.

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