Is it just Rickey or does the practice of decorating a Christmas tree seem a little gay to anyone? And no, we don’t mean that in a derogatory way or anything, it’s just that the nancing around a tree and festooning it with shiny objects just seems a little… gay. That’s all we’re saying. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And not that Rickey is above reproach on the issue (Rickey watches “Pushing Daisies,” for christsakes…)
See, when it comes time to break out the glittery tree ornaments and flamboyant lights, Rickey transforms into quite the raging homosexual. But that’s ok, because as far as we can tell, that’s what the whole holiday spirit is all about… Going gonzo for garland.
Correct us if we’re mistaken, but Christmas wasn’t always a sparkly frivolous holiday. According to the original version of the Christmas fable, Santa Claus was essentially a winged demon who terrorized Serbian Villagers by sneaking down their chimneys and then proceeding to rape, steal, and generally terrorize Baltic townspeople. Kind of like Cthulhu. If we remember correctly, he kind of looked like this:
*Note: your recollection of Christmas lore may differ slightly from Rickey’s.
And then somehow, religious institutions and various corporations got their hands on the holiday and transformed it into what it is today: sparkly, jubilant, and absolutely fabulous. Call us crazy, but we kind of like the old timey version a little better—it added a bit of excitement to the month of December.
But lest you mistake Rickey for a Grinch, we can assure you that despite Rickey’s occasional rants, he does rather enjoy the Christmas holiday in it’s current iteration. Yep, we’re big hypocrites like that. What happens is that Rickey starts off the month of December being completely uninterested in Christmas, but then, kind of like in "Highlander," he consumes the festivity of others in order to get into the holiday spirit. And then before we even know it, Rickey inexplicably finds himself making sweet sweet love to a Douglas Fir.
Anyhow, in case you were interested, behold, Rickey’s remarkably non-heterosexual Christmas tree!
Huzzah for Snowflake Ornaments!
And look, balls!
We said to ourselves: you know what this tree needs? A fucking dragonfly, that’s what!
And a glittery butterfly! Look for a unicorn next year!
And grapes! Sparkly grapes! What do grapes have to do with Christmas? Nothing, goddammit!
And penguins! Gay penguins! You know, the kind that James Dobson warned us about!
And last but certainly not least:
Now that is genuinely heartwarming. We're not big on product placements in our Christmas trees, but Rickey is proud of that ornament nontheless.