Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Rickey's Wednesday Whine

Rickey would like to discuss Rudy Giuliani’s recent earth shattering announcement that he’s rooting for the Red Sox to win the World Series. It’s not Rudy’s decision to swap team allegiance that bothers Rickey (although the man clearly is a major league asshole for rooting for the Sox just because he wants an AL team to win the Fall Classic). Great job pissing off a large chunk of the New York demographic Rudy. But hey, on the positive side, at least you've locked up the ever elusive "Masshole vote." Now if only there was some way you could work the 9-11 angle into your campaign...

Ultimately, what really grinds our gears about this story is the fact that a presidential candidate feels a need to discuss baseball while on the campaign trail. We’d like to pose the following question: does anyone in their right mind really give a flying fuck which baseball team the potential leader of the free world roots for? Sure, Rickey loves baseball, who doesn't? But just because a major candidate happens to as well in no way guarantees them Rickey's vote. Call him nuts, but Rickey is a little picky like that.

What we're getting at here is that it has now become essential that presidential candidates appear to connect with voters on a personal level. Rickey says: enough with the likability shtick already, it has no place whatsoever in politics. Look, we're not advocating putting Quasimodo in the Oval Office, but please, enough with the fake human interest stories on the campaign trail already. If we want to watch likable people on television, we'll flip on the "fair and balanced" news network (meaning that they interview both generals and retired generals) and welcome a member of "Fox & Friends" into our living room, thank you very much. And while this argument may seem about as cutting edge as railing against those “This is Our Country” Chevy commercials sung by John Mellencamp, (who else’s country would it be anyway?) it’s an argument Rickey feels compelled to make nonetheless.

If Rickey's fuzzy memory of 8th Grade History serves him correctly, the likability trend in politics was born on the 1952 presidential campaign trail, when Eisenhower defeated Adlai Stevenson by smearing Stevenson as a wimpy egghead. And ever since then, there has been a strong anti-intellectual movement in politics. We no longer want the smartest guy in the room to lead us, merely the average joe hanging out in the corner who we’d like to drink a beer with. How else can one explain Jimmy Carter being elected? People wanted to watch football with the schmuck. Rickey takes issue with that.

Here’s a new idea: instead of judging candidates by their favorite colors or which musical instrument they play, how about ratcheting up the search criteria just a tad? You know, more relevant items such as whether or not a presidential candidate would repeal the Patriot Act if elected? Because, uh FYI, you people are bat-shit crazy if you really believe Hillary Clinton will. Or how about asking Fred Thompson why he referred to Russia as the Soviet Union in a recent speech? Forget whether he wears boxers or briefs--just how comfortable are we that there's a man campaigning for president who seriously thinks he's still hunting the Red October?

But we digress. The point is that even though the nice talkative bartender at your local TGI Fridays may be a very affable person, that does not necessarily qualify them to hold the highest office in the land. And if a presidential candidate absolutely must profess to watch a sporting event, they shall be limited to the following choices:

  • Fencing
  • Squash
  • Some kind of professional human chess board league thingy which doesn’t exist yet but now that we think about it definitely should

Anything less ephemeral and we’ll be choosing our leaders American-Idol style in under 10 years.

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5 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

Oh, Rickey, Rickey, Rickey....Gerald Ford was not "elected." C'mon, now, you can do better.

Rickey Henderson said...

fuck, shit, ok... Rickey needs to pick another mediocre leader quick.

Toasty Joe said...

I see you've now chosen Jimmy Carter in place of Ford. How can you do that when G.W. Bush is staring you right in the face?

Rickey Henderson said...

Too easy. Everyone knows Bush is a moronic zealot. Rickey likes to reach further back in time for examples (we'd have gone with Taft, but that's too much of a reach).

Also, within the context of the argument, Bush doesn't work as well. True, his likability partially helped him get elected, but it was his willingness to scare people shitless coupled with two rigged elections that won Bush eight years in the White House.

RJ said...

Maybe this is wrong, but whenever I think about Taft I set him to the "Shaft" theme song. I doubt that makes sense, but I promise it's a good time.

Also, Rickey Henderson does a mean Dennis Miller. Nice work.