As a rule, Rickey enjoys consuming spicy things. And in case you hadn’t noticed, Rickey also enjoys alcohol. So it comes as no surprise that if a wondrous adult beverage existed that combined spiciness and alcohol content, Rickey would be all over it like a donkey on a waffle. And indeed, such a magical drink does indeed exist: the Bloody Mary. And for those of you who have never taken the time to make one your own, trust us, they’re completely delicious.
Sadly, only two other people in Rickey’s life profess to enjoy Bloody Marys: Ms. Henderson’s grandmother, and a college buddy of Rickey’s from Texas who prefaces all public conversations with the word “gentlemen…” So clearly this Bloody Mary thing isn’t a widespread phenomenon just yet. That’s where you, the reader come in. Rickey’s taking time out from his busy schedule to educate you on this fantastic yet woefully unappreciated drink, so listen well.
First, let’s discuss consumption locales. The peculiar thing about drinking a Bloody Mary is that there is most certainly a time and place for it. Over the years, Rickey has set out to determine exactly what those precise times and places are. We’ve come up with the following list:
1. While tailgating (highly unorthodox, we know)
2. On an airplane or in an airport
3. At a horse race
4. At a cockfight
5. While bowling
6. And, finally, on boats. Always on boats.
In other words, don’t go into a nightclub and expect the bartender to serve you a Bloody Mary with a straight face. It’s a rookie error, and it’s also for your own damn good. That’s because any Bloody Mary made in a bar or restaurant will never, ever taste as good as the one you meticulously craft in your own home. And as a rule, store-bought Bloody Mary mixes should be avoided like the plague. While making one from scratch requires a fair amount of ingredients, Rickey promises that the resulting drink is worth the time and materials spent on its production. Rickey’s recipe follows below. We even included the precise amounts for those of you too timid to eyeball things. Feel free to adjust the ingredient measurements to taste—Rickey prefers a strong drink that induces a taste bud explosion.
- 1 3/4 oz. pepper vodka, preferably Absolut Peppar
- 5 oz. tomato juice (not v8 you jackass)
- Juice from a freshly squozen lime
- 1 teaspoon diced fresh horseradish
- Kosher salt (does any other kind of salt exist?)
- A dash of olive juice
- Several liberal dashes of Worcestershire sauce
- Several liberal dashes of Tabasco sauce
- Freshly cracked black pepper
Place all ingredients in a martini shaker and proceed to shake vigorously. You won’t get the same effect from stirring it, trust us. Pour the finished drink into a highball glass (preferably, one of the Duralex variety) and proceed to enjoy the flavorful goodness. Feel free to add celery as a garnish, but if you’re really under the impression that this drink has any nutritional value beyond its ridiculously high Vitamin C content, you’re even further gone than we’d suspected. Besides, Rickey prefers garnishing his Bloody Marys with olives. Give them a shot—in time, so will you.