Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Guess What Rickey Isn't Doing Anymore?

Remember when Rickey told you he had an announcement which would herald a major change in Rickey’s life? Well we’ve kept you in suspense long enough and the time has come for Rickey to make the aforementioned announcement. Rickey is quitting smoking. Mind blowing news, we know, just let it sink in slowly. Your reactions will most likely fall into one of the two categories:

"Well I didn’t even know you smoked in the first place so this news really means very little to me."

Or

"Way to wise up fucko. Nobel Prizes are handed out for decisions like this."

And this is exactly the kind of deep emotional impact we were shooting for. Indeed, effective tomorrow, Rickey will no longer smoke. What prompted this decision? Well there are a whole slew of reasons (the whole health thing, Ms. Henderson, cost savings, the social stigma of being a smoker, etc.) but the main reason that Rickey has decided to quit smoking can be traced back to a recent weekend in the Northern Neck of Virginia.

On an evening boat cruise for a wedding, Rickey finished up a cigarette and proceeded to flick it out off the deck. What Rickey didn’t account for was the wind blowing the cigarette back into the boat. Rickey watched in horror as the live cigarette slowly arced through the air, back towards the vessel, bounced off the awning, and then landed on a dinner table surrounded by wedding-goers, scattering sparks everywhere. Rickey damn near burned the boat down and risked floating down the Chesapeake Bay, clutching desperately to a floating piano.

Naturally, the thought of all this mortified Rickey. And Rickey doesn’t enjoy being mortified. So that’s essentially why he’s quitting. With the help of an intriguing new drug, Chantix!, Rickey will wean himself from his irksome tobacco habit. Yes, by switching from the tasty Philip Morris family of products to the blissful Pfizer family of products, Rickey is essentially trading one malicious corporation for another. But it’s the lesser of two evils, and it’s a strictly short term engagement. Assuming Rickey doesn’t strangle a co-worker with his bare hands out of irritability, this endeavor should be a fruitful one. And hey, best of all, kind of like the creepy beard thing, Rickey gets to blog about this too.

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7 comments:

Haley said...

Good for you! And you should get all the help you can, even if Pfizer is involved. I never bought that "hugs, not drugs" crap.

John Peterson said...

There's one response you forgot:

You're making a huge mistake, friend. Welcome to a boring life of healthy living and carrot sticks and homogeneity. Next will your wife make you shave your beard? I am truly sorry for your loss.

Toasty Joe said...

Does this have anything to do with the gangrene ad that's being played on SNY on a continuous loop?

Rickey Henderson said...

"Hole in Throat Man" from last year was also a big influence, but yeah, that guy too.

Adam said...

L'shana tovah, my brother. This is the right way to start off the new year.

AmyV said...

Wow. Good for you, Rickey. I quit when I found out I was preggers the first time and never looked back. Was in AC with some friends a few weeks ago and smoked maybe 2 cigs and I felt like shit the next day.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, Rickey. I have quit 8 months ago, cold turkey. The first two months are extremely tough. If I were to try to quit today, I wouldn't be able to do it--not with the way the Mets are playing!