Thursday, July 12, 2007

You Say Hello, and Rickey Says Goodbye

By now, you’ve probably heard the thrilling news that a certain someone has been hired to replace Rick Down as the new Mets hitting coach. We have no idea what it’s going to take to get Shawn Green to start hitting again, but Rickey suspects it might involve lifting Green up on a chair and parading him around the infield whenever he gets a hit. It’s all part of Rickey’s 10 point “Kosher Confidence Building Seminar.” We’d tell you the other nine points, but they’re kind of top secret/undetermined at the moment. And hey, if all else fails, Rickey has heard good things about this Lastings Milledge fellow.

A brief note on the trade deadline. With the (hopefully) triumphant return of Pedro Martinez in a mere four short weeks, the Mets can easily make do with their current starting pitching rotation for the remainder of 2007. Adding some depth to their bullpen should be a consideration, but it isn’t as urgent as the glaring vacancies in the left and right outfield corners. If Omar wants to make a snazzy trade for one of those outfield slots, Rickey’s just hunky-dory with that.

And now down to the meat of today’s column. Rickey has bad news for all you lunatics seeking your daily dose of third-person shenanigans and bizarre lifestyle recommendations. All activity on this blog will cease for the next 10-14 days. We have no idea what the protocol is for this sort of event, but we imagine it involves loud wailing, tooth gnashing, and the beating of breasts.

Hoping to disprove his theory that “nothing good ever happens in Texas,” Rickey and Ms. Henderson are traveling to the Lone Star State for a wedding this weekend. Seriously folks, nothing good happens in or comes from the state of Texas. As evidence, we present the following: the Columbia Shuttle crash, the JFK assassination, snakes, oil rigs, the Alamo, ZZ Top, Governor George W. Bush, Jimmy Johnson, and the Dallas Cowboys. Just try to name one good thing and get back to us because we’d love to be proved wrong on this one.

Following Rickey’s weekend wedding jaunt, he and Ms. Henderson are off to vacation in the White Mountains located in the glorious state of New Hampshire. Once in NH, Rickey and Ms. Henderson will live free and/or die hard. We figure that as long as the vicious black flies aren’t around and Rickey doesn’t fall off a mountain, the week will be a relaxing one. Internet coverage is a little spotty in the White Mountains, but we’ll try to check in periodically with brief updates. Look for a full-blown running journal of the whole thing upon Rickey’s return. We’ve found that Rickey’s unique blend of machismo and drunken foolishness usually yield exciting results in new locales. See you bastards in a couple.

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8 comments:

Smitty said...

Enjoy your trip, Rickey. Smitty will find a way to go on without your approval of his weekly beer reviews.

Mr Furious said...

Where are you going in Texas? Hopefully Austin or San Antone...

Mr Furious said...

Crawford?

Egan Foote said...

Congratulations Rickey. Like you, Egan is also returning to the workforce...

http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2007/07/10/breaking-the-nine-returning-to-abc/

Egan, out.

Rickey Henderson said...

Mr. Furious: Austin? We wish. Rickey's going to Houston. Freaking Houston. Unbelievable.

Dan in Texas said...

Rickey, come on man, not everything sucks in Texas...Just the Astros.

Have a good time, dress light, the Humidity is like 200% in Houston

AmyV said...

gaaah! no riding with rickey for two weeks?

houston? ick.

The Clown said...

Hey, Steve Martin was born in Waco. That's a good thing to come from Texas. Make sure to hit the strip clubs before the city closes them for good. Then there'll definitely be no reasons to ever visit Houston.