Friday, May 25, 2007

It’s Friday wenches, is everyone ready for the upcoming Memorial Day Weekend? Past experience has taught Rickey that holiday weekends can be difficult, grueling times. Make no mistake, this is not a weekend for the faint of heart. In the spirit of giving, Rickey thought he’d pass on some pearls of wisdom he’s acquired over the years. So have no fear barbeque planners, we’re here to help you this week with

Rickey’s Tips for Having a Keen Time at your Memorial Day Barbeque Outing

Be creative in your menu selection. Seek out your local emu farm, purchase an emu, dig a firepit in your back yard, then proceed to roast aforementioned emu on a spit. For bonus points, dance around the emu for a bit as it turns. Let’s see the Joneses top that awesomeness.

If the kids want to play a friendly game of "lawn dart chicken," then go ahead and let them (but only after ensuring that they are properly covered in bubble-wrap!)

Before the meal starts, always remember to kick things off with a prayer to the sun god, Ra.

If a friend or family member insists on wandering off to the car to listen to a baseball game on the radio, by all means do not interfere.

Your beverage selection is paramount. Devote most of your alcohol budget to Everclear (this may require traveling across state lines).

Be sure to nominate someone to be fire warden. Give them a fireman’s hat, stuffed Dalmatian & aerosol spray can and tell them to sit quietly in the corner. A risk management officer is probably a good idea as well.

Standard bug repellent no longer keeps pesky insects away. Make arrangements to have crop dusters fly over and spray your lawn every hour on the hour over the course of the barbeque.

Do not feed the family dog table scraps while at the table. Instead, invite your dog to stand directly on top of the table for guests to admire while they eat.

The proper music selection is paramount. Your playlist should include a well-rounded blend of Bloodhound Gang, Andrea Bocelli, White Zombie, and assorted Hans Zimmer theme songs.

If you have a pool, remember to stock it with a 3 to 1 ratio of snapping turtles and komodo dragons. (Stick to that ratio unless you want a feeding frenzy on your hands).

Open weeping at a barbeque is generally frowned upon, but if a guest feels the need, encourage them to sit in the coat closet while they do so.

Have fun! (Or at least as much fun as your risk manager deems appropriate).

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Pug Mommy said...

Hilarious! I love it!

Adam said...

Hahaha, you said "wenches"!

Smitty said...


What if I don't have a pool at my house? Will a kiddie pool suffice? And what then is the ratio of komodo dragons-to-snapping turtles?

Rickey Henderson said...

The ratio remains the same. Because komodo dragons are so large and agressive, you'll most likely only be able to fit one in your kiddie pool with three snapping turtles. Or you could always substitute the turtles with 7 coral snakes. That would work too. And pool toys--don't forget those.

RJ said...

Bubble wrap is necessary for any bbq. It can be considered a pool toy as well (if push comes to flotation...)

Mike said...

Does the open weeping follow sampling over-cooked, if not charred, meat?

That's acceptable, although not encouraged. Any other crying means relegation to the kiddie pool & the kiddie table.

Ms. Henderson's Sister said...

I love the dog bit, we should have done that with Cleo! I'm sure she would have been much happier.