Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Your Weekly Dose of "24"

What, you thought that the next two hour installment of “24” would be the season finale? Well you thought wrong chief. Periodically, Jack Bauer flexes his muscles and preempts other FOX shows just for the hell of it. Think of it as a presidential address, but without all the tooth gnashing, lamenting, and banging of heads against the wall. So we’re sorry “Prison Break” viewers—you didn’t get to see how your show’s writers managed to rip off “The Fugitive” this week. Deal with it.

Previously on “24”: In a deleted scene, Papa Bauer explains the batshit crazy logic by which a company can place nerve gas and nuclear weapons in the hands of terrorists and still consider itself to be “patriotic.” When the director of “24” discovers that James Cromwell is unable to deliver the speech with a straight face, the scene is quickly scrapped and left on the editing room floor.

An Aston Martin car chase starring a helicopter and two British guys arguing with each other? Rickey likes. Especially the part where Jack, in hot pursuit, lands a helicopter on top of traffic and hops to the ground. Look, up in the sky! Its goddamned Jack Bauer! And unsurprisingly, he’s full of intense rage that words cannot even describe!

Assad, having miraculously warped to D.C. from L.A. in a scant three hours on the Nancy Pelosi Express, meets with President Wayne Palmer who informs him that if another nuke goes off then there will be problems. As if there aren’t problems already? Evidently Wayne thinks that the first nuclear detonation in Valencia constitutes a mulligan. You know your presidency isn't going very well if you’re constantly starting sentences with the phrase: “If just one more nuclear weapon is detonated on American soil today…”

Back at the terrorist hangout, Fayid decides to pick up a power drill and do a little Bob Villa style renovation on Morris’ shoulder. Suck it up Morris: it was only a 3/8 inch drill bit. In barges Kiefer with the CTU members who drew the short straws and had to tag along with Jack on a raid that only he is guaranteed to survive. And hello: Jack is toting a shotgun. I really hope someone thought to notify the FAA of this development. How much more weaponry does one man need to strike fear into the hearts of terrorists? Why not give Kiefer a tank to drive around L.A. in? Oh wait, probably because that would increase the time it takes him to get across town from 3 minutes to 5 minutes. Gotcha.

Fayid, having carefully studied the Marwan playbook, manages to escape using some tied together bed sheets, a small lizard, and a medical helicopter. This leaves Jack with the responsibility of whispering “damnit” for the fourth time in an hour and successfully disarming the ticking nuclear weapon. All in all, a thoroughly unoriginal scene, but somehow “24” cranks up the intensity and manages to keep the audience on the edge of its seat. Thus ends the first and begins the second, not nearly as stellar, hour.

Back at CTU, Papa Bauer continues his evil corporate machinations at the CTU morgue. (By the way, it’s high comedy that with all the cast killings that take place over 24 hours, CTU has the need for a morgue on its premises--I think I'd shit myself if I found out there was a morgue at my office). Anyway, Farmer Bauer definitely has it coming to him. How long until Jack tortures the living bejeezus out of his own father? Or yours for that matter?

Jack, still wearing his bulletproof vest from earlier (hey, I wouldn’t feel safe at CTU either) talks to Bill about Graem’s death. Convinced that it was his interrogation that killed Graem, Jack takes full responsibility and asks for no special treatment. Little does Jack know that his torture session wasn’t to blame for Graem’s death, thus once again validating the commonplace use of torture by CTU. Elsewhere, John McCain, despite being a former guest at the Hanoi Hotel, inexplicably nods approvingly and calls up the “24” producers to ask for yet another cameo. Uh, define “Stockhom Syndrome.”

To wrap up the episode, Marilyn leads Jack and Milo right into a fiery trap. Milo gets to drive what appears to be a black dog pound van while Jack escapes from an exploding building by jumping out the window. And hey, is it just me, or should CTU have thought twice about sending every available field agent into that balsa wood house instead of leaving a handful behind to watch over Milo and Marilyn? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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Adam said...

Oh Rickey... (insert Lucille Ball laugh-track here)

I was disapponted that Wayne didn't offer Assad a backrub and a cappucino when he walked in the bunker. "Hey, Jihadist, you want to watch some t.v.?" Assad is standing there telling Wayne "Dude, you've got a bullseye on your fucking back, try not to be such a weenie!" You know you suck at being President when one of the world's most reknowned terrorists is giving you security advice. I'm certain that Assad and Wayne will be crusing through the streets of D.C., eating chili dogs and avoiding CIA gunfire in about four hours.

Hey, were the fuck is Sean Bean? He needs to be on this show. (Sorry, I just had a "National Treasure" flashback. I really love that movie more than I should. Carry on).

Rickey Henderson said...

Sean Bean is hard at work churning out quality arthouse movies such as "The Hitcher" and other schlocky movies that call for the part of a "sinister european badguy."