Friday, February 2, 2007

Rickey Examines The Food Network

Rickey has decided to take a break from all the testosterone laden posts about “24,” The Metropolitans, and horse euthanasia and discuss a topic that may actually appeal to his female readers… all .5 of them. If you were expecting a Superbowl-related post, take it elsewhere bub, because I have no interest in discussing whether or not Rex Grossman is a sexual Olympian god or how many times Peyton Manning wets the bed each week. Instead, let’s discuss food.

You see, Ricky’s a bit of a foodie, and likes to lurk about on sites such as Chow from time to time. But it’s the Food Network that really sucks Rickey in. All those long shots of sizzling meat, crispy vegetables, and herb infused sauces really get Rickey going. It’s essentially food porn—god help Rickey when they switch over to High Definition. Much to Ms. Henderson’s consternation and growing concern, Rickey spends large chunks of his time in his apartment marveling at the joy that is Food Network programming. But who are these dynamic personalities that Rickey welcomes into his fortress of solitude with open arms and a hungry stomach? Let’s take a peek at this eclectic group of gastronomical wizards and lunatics:

Alton Brown. A serious doofus, but he somehow blends the topics of science and cooking into an entertaining 30 minutes of television. His recipes are not for those afraid of experimenting. Rickey tried Alton’s marinated turkey recipe once and blew his eyebrows clean off. Rickey never saw his cat again.

Paula Deen. A sickly-sweet aging southern belle with an awful Tennessee twang and a penchant to douse all her recipes in ridiculous amounts of fat and sugar. Refuses to acknowledge territories north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Giada De Laurentis. This one cooks very well and whips up some terrific recipes. Charmingly Italian, but far too swarthy and waifish for Rickey’s liking. Rumored to appear on the new season of “The Sopranos” as Tony’s goomara. Also, she has hairy arms.

Bobby Flay. Major league asshole. Worthless in all possible ways. As Adam, the brains behind The Jack Sack chimes in:
“He’s a one-trick pony. And watching him go to people's hometowns and challenging them to a 'Cook-Off' is absurd. I mean Jesus, you got a guy whose entire family has made chowder for ten generations, and out comes Flay with his chipotle and habanero fusion chowder, acting like a rooster jumped out of his pants. What a jerkwad.”
'Nuff said.

Rachael Ray. Very perky. Unnecessarily zesty. Major cocaine fiend. Makes up her own phrases whenever she damn well pleases. Here’s a list of the atrocities:
“EVO” (Rayese for Extra virgin olive oil)
“Zhuzzh it up a little bit” (no idea what the fuck that means)
"G.B." (garbage bowl)
"So delish"
"Sammies" (They’re called sandwiches you nefarious sea-hag)

The English language is not your personal plaything Ms. Ray. And while we’re on the topic of poor grammar...

Emeril Lagasse. Ever wondered what a cross between George W. Bush and a water buffalo would look and act like? Here’s your answer. Dumb as a doorknob. New Orleans dies a little bit more each time this man appears on television. Most viewers have no idea what exactly this “essence” is that Emeril employs, but Rickey suspects it’s the powdery human effluent that Hurricane Katrina left behind.

Mario Batali. Oh come on, this guy can’t be Italian, can he? How many red-headed Italians roam the planet anyway? Shenanigans. And to wrap things up…

Chairman Kaga. Is he a cook? Nope, he’s just a guy with a cape who likes to bite into raw peppers and unveil the bizarre secret ingredient in each week’s episode of “Iron Chef.” (Not the new crappy Americanized version, but the old, badly dubbed Asian version). For my money, it doesn't get any better than watching crazy chefs scramble to figure out how the hell to cook octopus labia.

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Otto Man said...

If we hadn't already added you to the blogroll, the last of this list would've sealed the deal.


Mike said...

Chairman Kaga, baby! Never has the world seen such mastery of gustatory competition, wonderful facial expressions, and a wardrobe that makes Liberace look like Ghandi.

Fuck Rachael Ray. (That's all I have to say on that one.)

Anyway, I'm a bit sick of some of the Food Network "stars." If you actually like cooking shows, you gotta check out my man, Jacques Pepin on Monday nights on Channel 21. Fast Food his way. The dude rocks.

TheJackSack said...


Just freakin' WOW. Classic stuff, Rickster. "Octopus labia" is the new catchphrase! And thanks for the shoutout, Flay really is a cunt.

I would add one more to your list- Paula Deen's two cracked out sons that go across the country eating food you can conveniently order through the mail--"Road Tested"

Their entire show boils down to this:

Brother #1: I don't know about you. BRO, but I love me some deep dish pizza!

Brother #2: You said it, BRO!

Brother #1: BRO!

Brother #2: BRO!

(wash, rinse, repeat)

Mike said...

Adam - You forgot the beginning of the exchange:

Brother #1: CHI-cago. We are HERE, bro.

Brother #2: That's RIGHT, bro. The Wind-AY cit-AY, Bro. The cit-AY of broad shoulders, Bro.

Brother #1: And the cit-AY of DEEEEEEEP Dish Pizza, Bro.

{Continue with Adam's excellent transcript}

Rickey said...

By googling "Rachael Ray" and "sucks" I just discovered that there's an entire webring devoted to trashing that devious imp:

And with this new knowledge in hand, my life is now much more complete.

Oddly enough, a google search of "Rachael Ray" and "most awesome woman ever" yields exactly zero results.

KAYLEE said...

hahaha I hate Rachel Ray to I hate watching her shows!I do love watching Iron Chef though!I think that show is my favorite on the food network and I watch it alot:)

TheJackSack said...

That's awesome work, Mike, you're like my BRO!

How about that wet rag of a man known as the "Hungry Detective." I've seen more personality in a slab of sheetrock. Wow, aren't there like 2 million other fat guys who used to be detectives that are more interesting that this fella?

Mike said...

I kinda like the Fat Detective, or whatever his name is. Unlike Rachael Ray or the Dean Brothers, he avoids the tourist spots and goes where normal guys go. I'm a normal guy, and I like the places he goes. That's how I eat when I travel.

But I'll admit, he's no Mr. Excitement or anything.

TheJackSack said...

Now one of my favorite chefs is not on the Food Network but she's the real deal, that balding Italian woman, Lydia. She's a classy Paula Deen- awesome food- food porn in fact. Her food, above anyone else's is the one I want to try the most. I love you, LYDIA!

Oh an honorable mention goes to Anthony Bourdain for being an all-around character. I've read a few of his books, and he's absolutely the first chef I'd want to hang out with in real life. So, dinner with Bourdain at Lydia's restaurant, that's a recipe for a good time. (See, I used recipe as a pun!)

DM said...

Emril reminds me of Brick from Ancorman ... "LOUD NOISES".

Brick ... now there's a TV personality.