Thursday, February 8, 2007

If Adventure Has a Name...

It has come to Rickey’s attention that the powers that be have decided to make a new Indiana Jones movie starring 60-something year old Harrison Ford. Fan-freaking-tastic. Don’t get me wrong, this would have been thrilling news in the Fall of ’91… but now? Uh, not so much. Sorry, but Ford’s just too damn old for this. Seriously, take a gander at the picture on the right--Harrison Ford looks like he got lost and stumbled on to a movie set. So Rickey was recently poking around AICN and found some dynamite possible titles for this new Indy flick. In keeping with this site’s firm ongoing commitment to mock and ridicule the elderly whenever given the opportunity, Rickey is happy to present these potential titles to you now:

Indiana Jones and the Sponge Bath of Doom
Indiana Jones and the $12 Birthday Check
Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the New Postage Rates
Indiana Jones and the 45 Minute Bowel Movement
Indiana Jones and the Fantastic Werther’s Originals
Indiana Jones and the Battle of the Child Proof Bottle
Indiana Jones and the Bitchin’ Game of Gin Rummy
Indiana Jones and the Discomfort with the Voting Rights Act of 1964
Indiana Jones and the Good Folks at Liberty Mutual
Indiana Jones and the Heart Attack at Zabars
Indiana Jones and the Poorly Attended Emeritus Lecture
Indiana Jones and the 9AM Arrival at the Mall
Indiana Jones and the Refusal to Use a Turn Signal
Indiana Jones and the Fabled Forest of Ear Hair
Indiana Jones and the Loss of Bone Mass
Indiana Jones and the Maze of Medicare Part D
Indiana Jones and the Proctologist’s Fist
Indiana Jones and the Summertime Sweatpants
Indiana Jones and the Half Priced Metrocard
Indiana Jones and the Musty Smell of Shame
Indiana Jones and the Closet Full of Forgotten Wrapped Gifts
Indiana Jones and the Saving of Receipts for No Reason
Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Dented Fender
Indiana Jones and the Dibbuk in His Chimney
Indiana Jones and the Infernal Icy Steps
Indiana Jones and the Meandering Through Parking Lots
Indiana Jones and the Shrinking Clothes Sizes
Indiana Jones and the Dry Brisket of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Written Check for 42 Cents
Indiana Jones and the Nocturnal Race to the Bathroom
Indiana Jones and the Rogue Caraway Seed
Indiana Jones and the Reason His Kids Never Call or Visit
Indiana Jones and the Handicapped Shower
Indiana Jones and the 1985 Cadillac With 15,000 Miles on it
Indiana Jones and the Fantastic PBS Evening Lineup
Indiana Jones and the $13.5 Million Opening Weekend

(Many thanks to Yack and all the other lunatics over at AICN). Also, if anyone wants to read something absolutely brilliant (i.e., Indiana Jones' bid for tenure being denied by Marshall College) then by all means, go here.

So does anyone think Harrison Ford might be a little to old to play this role? I ask only because I’ve seen no mention of Ford’s age being a concern regarding this film. Eh, who is Rickey kidding? Just cue up the theme music, give Harrison Ford the fedora, whip, and horse, and people will line up for this thing, just like they did for "Space Cowboys."

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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

How come you are against Ford portraying Jones one more time? I for one would like to see what Indy is up to, even at 60. I think it could be very interesting to have a look at an aging action hero, kind of like what they did in the star trek movies. After all, everyone ages, so its something the audience can identify with. I predict it will make millions and be a very good movie, if handled correctly.

Otto Man said...

Well done. I've been calling it "Indiana Jones and Those Damned Kids on the Lawn," but the birthday check one may be the winner.

Mike said...

Outstanding work, Rickey. I'm with OM, that $12 birthday check entry was top of the heap. I'm also with you that Harrison Ford's too damn old at this point. Harrison Lincoln is more like it.

"Indiana Jones and the Struggles With The VCR Clock" would've worked, but I'm afraid no one under 25 knows what a VCR is.

"Indiana Jones and the Back When I Was a Boy . . . Story" also had some traction, but the title's a bit unweildy.

The Jack Sack said...

Rickster, awesome work.

That McSweeney's article killed me. Brilliant concept and excellent execution- particularly the mention of Short Round.

"Indiana Jones and the School Tax Vote (of Doom!)"

Adam said...

Oh and as for "Space Cowboys" I am ashamed to admit I've seen that movie at least ten times. It's one of those movies that always seems to be on and it is extremely watchable. (Does my man-crush on Tommy Lee Jones count?).

"Flyin' brick!"